Judging Amy
Not With A Whimper

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Not With A Whimper

Amy's in the shower, enjoying the water as it hits her right in the face, the way that people on TV do. Over the sound of the water, Lauren calls for her mother. She whines that she can't find her leotard. Amy rips open the shower curtain to run down a laundry list of where said leotard could be. She's, like, flashing the kid. Whatever happened to just sticking your head out? Instead of turning to stone at the sight of her mother's naked body, or curiously checking out the differences between a girl and woman's physiognomy, or even merely looking surprised by the fact that her mother is buck naked, Lauren blithely wonders if they can have pizza for dinner. ["That would be me. I saw my mom nude all the damn time, and it's at moments like these I'm glad she doesn't read this site, so that I can tell perfect strangers things exactly like that!" -- Wing Chun] Amy crabbily exposits that Lauren is having dinner with her father and that she, Amy, the naked person, has a date. Lauren is summarily packed off to brush her teeth, Amy sticks her face back under the spray, and Maxine hammers on the door. Amy, frustrated, turns off the water, springs soaking wet and utterly nude out of the shower and starts hollering that she can't even get any peace in the bathroom. Again, with the totally naked in front of the family members. Maybe I'm a prude, or something, but dude, grab a towel. Amy finally does, as Maxine tells her sheepishly that the workmen have arrived to fix the roof. All three generations of Gray women turn to the window, where some horndog roofer has gotten an eyeful of Amy's goodies. Cue wocka wocka wocka synthesizertasic Wacky Hi-Jinks Muzak. The roofer waves. Amy waves back. "How ya doing?" she asks. Well, his morning got off to a great start!

One of these days, I'm going to write lyrics to this theme song. I just need to find something to rhyme with "self-absorbed." Maybe "totally bored."

Halls of Justice. The case before Amy revolves around a young lady who has violated her probation and skipped school. The feisty Ms. Torres has written a letter, detailing the reasons she ought to be let out of detention, and, against the better judgment of her lawyer, reads it to the court. Allow me to present the highlights: "Detention is for criminals, and I ain't no criminal." Except in the court of grammar. "I had a fight at school. My teacher called me a stupid, lazy ass cow. You woulda kicked her too." Amy and Bruce attempt to conceal their laughter. The rest of the letter is basically blah blah blah, I swear I'll go to schoolcakes. That Ms. Torres is one feisty tamale! You know those Latin temperaments! Feisty, I tell you, feisty! And original! And so not stereotypical! Amy tells Feisty Ms. Torres that she is a "bright, clearly articulate young woman," who is in danger of "throwing her life away." She fishes a book out of her desk and orders, as a condition of FMT's detention, that FMT write a book report on Eleanor Roosevelt. Non sequitur, much? Yeah, I thought so too. FMT wonders why anyone would care about "an old dead lady." Amy counters that one day, FMT will also be an "old dead lady," and hopes that Eleanor will inspire FTM not to waste her life. She literally throws the book at her. Ha! See what I did there?

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Judging Amy

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