Fall Pilot Season: Kath & Kim

by Lauren Gitlin October 10, 2008
Kath & Kim Premiere

We see her marching through the mall, apparently determined to give Phil what-for. She pushes her way into Phil's Sandwich Island and strides up to Phil, spitting, "I can't believe you broke up with my mom over a stupid sandwich." Then she looks down, amazed: "Wow, you have corn dogs?" Phil corrects her, saying that he didn't break up with Kath, that she wanted to take time off from their relationship because Kim needed her right now. "I love your mother, Kim. She gets me." Just then Craig runs up, saying that he heard her ankle bracelet and followed her. "I love you, dude. I miss you so much I can't do anything. I can't even watch TV." Aww, romance! "That's cuz I threw away the remote," she replies. Craig is floored, saying that that was a universal remote that cost $200 even with his discount. Then he remembers that he's supposed to be winning her back and tells her he doesn't care, that he loves her and that she's his universal remote. She rolls her eyes and pushes him away, saying, "I have to go." In an effort to comfort him, Phil offers to make Craig a sandwich. He says he'll take the Wham Bam Thank You Ham.

Back at Chez Kath, the aforementioned is sitting on the couch, downtrodden, nodding her head to "If I Could Turn Back Time." Kim enters, and makes a show of taking off her shoes before she walks into the living room like Kath had asked her to do earlier. She asks her mom if she's okay and tells her she got her something at the mug stand. Kath takes the mug and reads what it says aloud: "Spoiled and worth it." She smiles sadly, saying "How do they think up these things? So clever." Kim sits down beside her, looking sympathetic. She turns gently to Kath and asks, "Would it make you feel better if you got up and made us some nachos?" Just then the phone rings. Kath answers and tells Craig to stop crying because he's going to make himself throw up. She hangs up and tells Kim that Craig wants to talk to her about her. Kim says to tell him that there are certain things she needs, but Kath cuts her off and says that she should tell him. Then she pulls Kim off the couch and tells her she's coming with so they can settle this once and for all.

Back at the mall in a store that resembles Home Depot, Kath drags Kim by the arm while Kim begs to let her wait at the food court. She insists on stopping to look at phones and begins punching the touchtone absentmindedly. Kath walks down the next aisle over, looking at DVDs wistfully while voice-overing: "Maybe Phil wasn't that great. All those stretch marks, the extra skin." Then she spies The Bodyguard and picks it up. "Oh, who am I kidding, he's a stallion!" Just then a voice comes over the loudspeaker, "Will the lady in white with the Fosse vest and the disco flairs put down The Bodyguard and come to the middle of the store?" Kath looks up, utterly shocked. "Again, gorgeous female shopper named Kath Day please come to the TV/plasma TV department. This is God talking." She runs down the center aisle, flustered as Kim follows her. "Just kidding, it's Phil," Phil says from one of multiple monitors that he's popped up on. He tells her that he loves her and has an important question to "pop." She runs around confused, saying she's coming but she can't find him. Kim points her the right way, saying that he's over there, "past the Mexican guy." Kath runs down the aisle (past a man wearing a turban) to the swell of Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing."

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