Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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The Sucking Is About To Commence

Kathy meets with stylist Robert Verdi and tells him that she needs to look just as glamorous as former Grammy winners Maya Angelou and Janet Reno. Or, as she interviews, she should look like a combination of Tito Puente, Gwen Stefani, and the Foo Fighters. After mocking some other dress she owns, Robert picks her out a slinky metallic gold gown. Robert piles her with jewelry, and they joke about making the gown a mini. It's all very funny and self-deprecating, and then Robert jokes about how fucking pale Kathy is.

Kathy's photog is Mike Ruiz. Kathy thinks he's hot, and he is, in a big, beefy, stubbly kind of way. There are lots of photos of Kathy standing at a Grammy podium, holding the award, walking on the red carpet. She does some great photographic impersonations of other celebrities doing their red carpet walks. Then Kathy interviews that she realized that Amy Winehouse has five Grammies, so she should try to be more like her. So they wreck her makeup and she crawls along the red carpet, clawing for her Grammy while trash is strewn all about her. And then they finish up with a simulated mug shot. Commercials.

Kathy interviews that once she wins her Grammy, she'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed with endorsement offers, so she needs advice on what to do with all the filthy lucre she'll soon earn. And then she tells us that she arranged an interview with Suze Orman. Crap, nobody told me I would have to recap this obnoxious idiot. I thought we were done with all the offputting lesbians when Rosie was on the show. You owe me, Joe R.! Kathy, whose love of money I don't actually find that objectionable, loves Suze. Jessica's worried that Suze will yell at her. Kathy interview that Suze is to her what Jesus is to Clay Aiken. What, a Hispanic poolboy that he wants to blow? Oh, wait, my bad -- that's Jesús. Kathy worships her and her power lesbian suits.

On the drive to Suze's studio (which seems to be in Jersey), Kathy wonders if Suze has done Oprah and Gail's finances. I think Oprah has an entire bank to do her finances. They arrive, and Kathy keeps threatening to kick Tom in the balls if he doesn't open doors for her. Suze greets them, and they all go into her studio. Kathy pulls her financial records out of a bag, and Suze is upset that all of Kathy's ledgers are red. Whatever, leather jacket. For some reason, Kathy is carrying around Maggie's will -- it turns out that everything is going to Joyce, Kathy's sister. Kathy wants Team Griffin to present their financial records to Suze. Kathy has forced all of them to put half of their Christmas bonus into an IRA. Kathy tells Tiffany to ask Suze if she can afford a Range Rover. Suze tells her she's denied! But for financial reasons, not because it's a tacky piece of shit to drive. Suze just heaps abuse on the assistants. In particular, she hates Jessica's habit of leasing cars. Suze thinks that leasing cars will be the stupidest thing Jessica ever does in her life. Jessica: "I don't think that will be the stupidest thing I ever do." Ha! Jessica, one: Suze, negative twenty. There's old West showdown music playing as Suze and Jessica go at it like the two ornery chicks they are. Suze interviews that "Jennifer" (which is Jessica's lesbian name, apparently) just refused to accept Suze's money wisdom. In fact, she calls her "stupid, just plain stupid." Oh no you didn't! You can call Jessica lazy, you can call her a slacker, you can call her pushy, you can call her a woman of loose morals ... wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, you cannot call Jessica stupid! The painful Suze Orman bit ends, and Kathy interviews that Team Griffin's lives were changed, even if they don't know it yet. Commercials.

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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