Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Kathy at the Apollo

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I Find That Offensive!

In tonight's episode, Kathy will be playing the Apollo Theater, so she's getting help from Rachel True, whom you might remember as "Kathy's black friend." Kathy feels bad about asking her black friend what black people laugh at, but on the other hand, she wants to make sure she covers all the bases. Rachel's first suggestion is "Don't yell the N-word." Kathy's okay with that, and promises to stop at "bitch" and "cunt". Basically, Kathy is worried that her material about Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus might not be all that funny to the Apollo Crowd.

I guess we're done with Rachel already, because Kathy is going off to meet with Katt Williams, a black comic whose entire routing boils down to claiming to be a pimp. He's extremely popular and successful, though, so you can feel free to ignore me. His little dossier thing claims he's the "Most popular touring comic in the world", which is quite a claim. I stopped taking that sort of thing seriously when I read an article claiming that Jeff Dunham is the most successful stand-up comedian in the world. Kathy further claims (while outfitted in kind of a see-through vest that makes her breasts appear to be glowing) that Katt outsells Chris Rock and possibly Dane Cook. Kathy has brought Tiffany and Tom to her meeting with Katt. When Kathy introduces Tom as "my tour manager", Katt promptly asks Tom how the tour is going. I liked that, because it seemed like an automatic response; as soon as Katt learned something about Tom, he asked him about it. That's some How to Win Friends and Influence People tactics right there.

Katt has a giant house with many cars and dogs and llamas. And a putting green with golf carts. I don't think he needs the golf carts, because the putting green isn't that big. But hey, who doesn't want a couple of golf carts around the house? Katt criticizes Kathy's brake dust, so Kathy instructs Tiffany to "take care of it". That's what she tells Tiffany when she doesn't know what she wants done exactly. She just wants it taken care of somehow. Kathy tells us that Katt is huge "in the urban community", and also that he has a red velvet rope across the stairs inside his own home. I think you'll agree, that's pretty swanky. Katt and Kathy compare assistants' duties, and he encourages her to make sure that whatever she's paying Tom and Tiffany, it should never be enough for the tasks they have to perform.

Okay, it's time for Kathy to start grilling Katt. Is comedy color-blind? "No." Also, the Apollo crowd might not care about all of the Lohans. However, Kathy won't have to even pretend to work clean, so that'll be nice. Katt points out that cleaning up an act is hard, because even when you get to use one of your allowed cursewords, you're worried about the next one coming up. Then Kathy snatches a fly out of the air! Zang! Kathy jokes about not wanting to offend PETA, and we're done here.

Next up, Kathy is going to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles to meet with rapper T.I. His dossier says he's a rapper/actor, and also that he's going to jail in 31 days. Well, okay! Kathy and T.I. sit down with their respective crews and come up with nicknames for Kathy's people. Tom is now "Lash-pick" because he pulls out his eyelashes when he's nervous. Kathy mentions that a lot this season, but it's better than the porn jokes she used to use for him.

Suddenly! Shane Sparks shows up! He says hello to Kathy and T.I. and once he leaves, Kathy explains America's Best Dance Crew to T.I., who is only sort of paying attention. T.I.'s phone rings, and it's apparently his probation officer. Now Kathy wants a "probie". She grills him about his curfew and where he'll be going to jail. He doesn't want to talk about his upcoming prison sentence. Kathy compliments him on his show (Road to Redemption on MTV) and tells him he should have been nominated for an Emmy. Then she takes that back when Tiffany reminds her that Road to Redemption would be nominated in Kathy's category. And T.I. compliments Kathy's show and even proves he's seen it by mentioning the episode where she went to Tiffany's hometown.

Stunt time! Everyone out of the chicken and waffles place for swaggering! Kathy lowers her pants to show off her underwear. Let's move on. The lyric in question is "No one on the corner has swagger like us", and Kathy wants to go to an actual corner and see who gets recognized the most. They go down an exceedingly touristy area, passing a double-decker tour bus and a guy in a Snoopy outfit. They're in front of the Kodak Theater on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Wherever that is. T.I. is getting recognized a lot, and one kid is stunned speechless. He doesn't know what's going on. Kathy waves to people and tells them that she's Kathy Griffin. A guy in a Hulk suit (next to, I believe, a Gene Simmons impersonator) is enthusiastic about T.I. and calls him the next positive image for the black community. I think this is the Hulk guy from Confessions of a Superhero, a great documentary about the guys who dress up as superheroes to get photos taken with tourists. More people recognize T.I., although one construction worker is pretty happy about seeing Kathy. Segment over!

In case you're interested, T.I. is currently in jail because he tried to purchase machine guns from a federal agent in the parking lot of a Walgreen's. Or so says Wikipedia.

Kathy's mom's place. Hi, Maggie! Kathy makes fun of Maggie's muu-muu, which is just her way of opening a conversation. On learning about the Apollo gig, Maggie just says "Oh my god. Oh my god." In an interview, Kathy explains that her mother's inner monologue was "Oh, Jesus Christ. What the Christ is she thinking. Going to the goddamn Apollo, you kidding me?" This appears to be an accurate summation, although I think it's weird that we're relying on Kathy's imitation of her mother when we've got the real thing right there. Maggie is worried about the gig. It's not clear exactly what she thinks is going to happen, but it seems like violence isn't out of the question. Kathy claims that she's the darling of the African-American community. Maggie describes the Apollo as "the big black stage". And now there's news! Kathy will be spending the day with Reverend Al Sharpton. That's right. Kathy claims that he's a giant fan, based on the one time they met on Politically Incorrect. Maggie has confusing opinions about Reverend Sharpton, which I will not try to untangle. Griffin out!

New York! Kathy is about to meet with Al. Can I just call him "Al"? It seems pretty chummy. I'm going to go with "Sharpton", I think. He, of course, is used to the Apollo and thinks it's funny that Kathy is more worried about being at the Apollo than she was about going to Iraq. Her reasoning was that all the soldiers in Iraq mostly appreciated that she made the effort to go over there, so even if her jokes didn't go over, they'd still applaud. Sharpton advises her to stay away from racial jokes. "And no N-word." Kathy was not planning on it. Anyway, it's a very tough crowd. His suggestion is that she should "be funny". She runs some of her topics past him. Jessica Simpson? Nothing. Octomom? Nah. New Wynonna Judd diet pill? Whiff. Can Kathy make it "Gay Night at the Apollo"? Probably not. Well, will Al introduce her? Maybe.

Now Kathy tries to make Al (I've become more comfortable with him in the last paragraph, plus it's a lot faster to type "Al" than "Sharpton") play "Who would you rather". Hillary Clinton or Janet Reno? "None of the above." Beyonce or Solange? He'd like to watch Beyonce dance. Roscoe's or the Polo Loung? Roscoe's. Now Kathy starts telling Al about the Secret. Isn't he a Reverend? Is the Secret compatible with Christianity? Isn't it witchcraft? Anyway, Al recommends that she pretend that boos are the new applause. Al explains, "Every great comedian, from Pryor to Moms Mabley to Eddie Murphy all the way to Steve Harvey had to go through the Apollo crowd." A Moms Mabley reference! Al'

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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