Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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Baby, You're a Star

Hey, it's the finale! Before we start, here is a bonus recap of the Joan Rivers Roast, which Kathy toastmastered: "Vagina vagina vagina vagina". I also got Kathy's album, which is about 40% discussion of Maggie. Except it's Comedy Maggie, who swears a lot. As opposed to the Maggie we see on the show, who just looks dismayed a lot of the time.

Tonight's thing is that Kathy's getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Kathy, Maggie, Tiffany, and Tom toast. Maggie's using wine, Kathy's got soda, and Tiffany and Tom appear to be using iPhones. Kathy gloats at Maggie about how Hollywood doesn't hate her after all, and how all the dick jokes were apparently a good idea after all.

The next day (as far as I know) Tom, Tiffany, and Kathy are walking Hollywood Boulevard to pick out what star she wants. Although she doesn't actually get to pick, so this is fairly pointless. Kathy wants to be very close to a huge star so people can accidentally notice her. She also wants to be very far away from Ryan Seacrest, who turns out to be one square away from Barbara Walters. Kathy spits on Ryan's star, but it's in the context of cleaning it. She also calls Seacrest a woman several times. Kathy assures Tiffany that her new life will involve waking up in the morning and cleaning Kathy's star every day.

A week later (do we need to know the exact chronology?) Tiffany breaks the news to Kathy that Bravo's nomination of Kathy was not approved after all. No star? The Hollywood Walk of Fame Committee has dissed Kathy to her face! On her own show! Kathy is naturally disappointed, especially because she's been telling people she's getting a star. Tiffany has called Kathy's agents and told them to fix it. And they've done the best they could, so Kathy will be getting a star on the Palm Springs Walk of Fame. Hey, my mom lives up there! Speaking of mothers (segue!) Maggie is not impressed with this solution, pointing out that it's not exactly the same thing. Harsh but fair.

Kathy thinks Ryan Seacrest did this somehow "because this is so something she would do." Kathy resolves to take revenge on the Walk of Fame itself: "I'm not even going to support the Walk of Fame anymore. First of all, I'm gonna go piss on it. I'm gonna go to somebody's star, probably Seacrest, and I'm gonna go have my period on it. And it's gonna be a heavy flow day! Yeah. By the way, it's probably comments like that that got me rejected. So I didn't learn my lesson at all." You tell 'em!

So the new plan is to go to Palm Springs!

Two weeks later (are you keeping track of this?) Kathy calls Suzanne Somers, who apparently lives in Palm Springs. When Kathy explains about the Palm Springs Walk of Fame, Suzanne laughs at her. Open mockery! But this does not deter Kathy from asking Suzanne to introduce her at the Palm Springs Walk of Fame Induction Ceremony that Saturday. Suzanne begs off, claiming that she'll be in LA that day. But Suzanne agrees to give Kathy a dinner party on Friday. But it'll be organic, because that's what Ms. Somers is into. Kathy isn't allowed to bring diet soda, which she appears to like very much.

Kathy explains Suzanne's whole deal, but I wasn't really listening. I'd rewind, but the last words Kathy says are "it combines mid-life lady times with lotions", and I figure that's all I really need to know.

That Friday (we are to assume), Kathy goes to the Somers compound without Tom and Tiffany. Suzanne rides a funicular car down to greet her, and it's pretty silly. Apparently it's a long trip up the mountain to the house, so she likes to have a funicular. Suzanne and Kathy get to the house and Kathy is welcomed by Alan, Suzanne's fella. Kathy offers to help with the cooking, but she's told to stay out of it. Then there's a tour of Suzanne's incredible Crib, complete with anecdotes about Frank Sinatra, Merv Griffin, and Barry Manilow. It's pretty impressive.

Kathy and Suzanne sit on a tasteful piece of lawn furniture and we enter the Talk Show segment. Kathy is lavishly impressed by the way Suzanne paved the way for women in sitcoms standing up for their fair share of the money. That's a whole complicated story, incidentally. I don't have time to go into it.

The tour continues, and Suzanne shows off her huge vegetable garden. Kathy claims that junk food makes her feel better than vegetables. Their discussion quickly reveals Kathy's lies about having supposedly already given up diet soda. Kathy promises to give up diet soda for thirty days, and we immediately see her drinking some in an interview where she claims to be giving up joy.

Kathy demands that Suzanne provide a celebrity for her star ceremony, and Suzanne suggests her good friend Barry. Manilow. Barry's a good sport on the phone and even sings a few bars of "I Write the Songs" to prove it's him. He'd keep singing, but Kathy cuts him off on the grounds that there's no way her chintzy little show can afford to clear that song. When Suzanne and Kathy ask him how many records he's sold, he claims that it's not about the money; it's about the heart. Yeah. Kathy tells him about the Palm Springs Walk of Fame, and he doesn't know where it is. Neither does Suzanne. Kathy claims that it's gotta hurt, but Suzanne sounds sincere when she says "Not ... really." Barry turns Kathy down for her awards ceremony the next day, on the flimsy excuse that he has a show in Las Vegas the next day. Oh, sure. That sounds likely. Like Barry Manilow is always going to Las Vegas. Kathy is mock-offended, and then Suzanne makes her apologize.

So the current situation: Kathy needs a legend for her dedication, and she wants to get this taken care of before the dinner party that night. Team Griffin (Maggie, Tom, Tiffany, Kathy) load onto a Palm Springs Tour Bus of the Stars to stalk some celebrities. I keep looking through the windows to see if I can spot my mother. Kathy is loud on the tour bus, but the tourists don't mind. Normally the celebrities are outside the bus!

The tour includes homes of various dead celebrities, as well as the worrying phrase "Bob Hope Party House". When they get to Carol Channing's house, Kathy's pretty sure they've got a live one so she flees the bus and trespasses all over the grounds, knocking on the windows and making a big, fairly-illegal nuisance of herself. Carol's not home, so Kathy leaves a note, which she sticks with gum from Tiffany's mouth. Pure class!

Midcommercial! For no apparent reason, Kathy is getting a foot massage. We're led to believe that Tom and Tiffany bullied her into it. It appears to be one of those super-painful foot massages they got on The Amazing Race that one time.

That night! Kathy brings Team Griffin to the big Suzanne Somers dinner party. Everyone is pleased to see Maggie. It's a proper dinner party, with assigned seating and handwritten place cards. Kathy complains about having to drink water instead of diet soda, and then gets one of the waiters to smuggle in some diet soda in a wine glass. Suzanne makes a big deal out of the cauliflower, which we saw earlier in the garden. Then she makes a long, boring speech about Kathy being daring and showing them all, or something. It's all sounds fairly moving. Kathy toasts using her water, but she does drink the diet soda later on. Suzanne calls her on it. She is shocked and outraged that Kathy is drinking diet soda. Man, this is the worst episode of Intervention ever.

It turns out that Tiffany's purse is full of cans of Diet Cokes. Maggie thinks Kathy should be ashamed, which she's obviously not.

Full moon!

The next day, Kathy is going to her Star Ceremony. She doesn't get a limo and Team Griffin has to settle for a van. They're all kind of crammed in there. There's a protestor who seems keen on the bible and wants Kathy to know that she's going to Hell. She can't really argue with him. But the ceremony has lots of cheering and photographers. The introduction is done by Maggie, who starts crying right away. Maggie assures the crowd that Kathy is "really harmless, when it

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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