We open on a crescent moon, which makes me happy. Kathy makes Tiffany call Kathy's agent for her. Tiffany's role here is to hold up Kathy's cellphone, which is set to speakerphone for the purposes of the show. Also to laugh at all of Kathy's antics. Kathy wants her agent Saul to get her an endorsement deal of some sort. Right now! Kathy thinks that she could sell dildos on the strength of her new "dicks in your mouth" catchphrase, but Saul's suggestion is that Kathy write a book. Kathy immediately jumps to the idea that she should write a tell-all about her mother. Saul claims that he can get Random House to sign on, which I guess is possible.
It's more than possible, because in the very next scene, Kathy is in New York to meet with Random House. As Kathy says, "apparently, they're a company. That publishes books." Thanks, Kathy! She is going to pretend to be an author during her meeting, but I think that means she's going to pretend to be a desperate actress failing to pretend to be an actor. This show exists on a lot of levels. In the lobby, Tom, Tiffany and Kathy look at the display case of amazing Random House first editions, and Kathy sneers and how old and tattered some of them are. She expresses the hope that her book will not be in such bad shape. She makes a joke about Helen Keller's autobiography, but I don't think her heart is really in it.
Kathy is led upstairs and leaves Tom and Tiffany behind. Her meeting has twelve other people in it. Yow. I think that means someone will betray her before the cock crows three times. Kathy's first question is when she gets her advance, but the answer is "after you write it." Apparently there will be a series of meetings over the next few months to plan the "publishing strategy." Kathy is asked who her favorite authors are and cannot come up with a name. Incidentally, just over Kathy's right shoulder is a shelf with two books on it: one by Maya Angelou and one by Danielle Steel. Man, those books don't even belong in the same room together. Eventually Kathy comes up with Hemingway, Wilde and Danielle Steel. Smooth! Now Kathy wants to talk about what talk shows she can get on to promote her book, and is disappointed when she's told she can probably be on the fourth hour of the Regis and Kelly show. Shouldn't she consider writing at least some of the book before planning the publicity tour? Of course not! Kathy (at least on the show) is all about planning publicity tours! She offers to do Matt Lauer. Personally. In his home. Also, Kathy's banned from Leno and probably won't be allowed on Oprah. She also claims to be banned from both Martha and Jon Stewart. Finally, she takes an armful of the display books and leaves. The Random House people seem to have enjoyed her antics.