Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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Suck It, Jesus, Red-Faced Kathy Is Scaring Las Niñas!

So the Costco guys are setting up shelves in the biblioteca, but the whole room still looks chaotic and messy. Kathy interviews that Oprah would have just clapped her hands and gotten Gail to fix it. She does her Oprah impersonation, where "Gail, fix the biblioteca" sounds like when Oprah says "John Travolta!" Well Kathy doesn't have Gail. She does have Jessica, though, and we see that when she's given an organizational mission, "Señorita Hessica" is not one to be messed with. She directs the Costco people where to put the shelves while Kathy cowers in fear of her bossy assistant.

Tom arrives with a car full of books, and Kathy and the children start carrying them in. As we see Kathy getting slight chatty with the kids, she interviews that it seems they hate her less today than yesterday. Aw, I know that song! She says she could be in the U.N., not missing an opportunity to tell Angelina Jolie to suck it in the process. So Team Griffin starts organizing the bookshelves -- as the nerdy former library employee in me starts freaking out that they might put the books on shelves without properly cataloging them. A mis-shelved book might as well not be there at all! Meanwhile, Team Woz is having a ball showing the kids how to use the computers. The kids are literally climbing all over each other to use the new machines, and it's kind of awesome to see the heretofore bored schoolchildren light up like this. Kathy interviews how awesome it was that the kids were actually sneaking into the training session to learn. Or look at porn? No, no, to learn.

As Teams Griffin and Woz are sent home for the day, Kathy interviews that she doesn't know how they're going to be able to finish this by tomorrow. So she calls her mom for a pep talk, which: bad idea. Maggie says the difference here is that everything Oprah does turns out "like roses," while Kathy's projects all seem to fall flat. Then, like every Irish-Catholic older person I know would do, Maggie suggests that Kathy build a library in Ireland instead. She bids Kathy "addy-ose," much to Kathy's amusement, and Kathy interviews she's going to prove that old bat wrong.

So it's the day of the library opening and dedication. Kathy pretends like she's preparing for this elaborate press conference, but of course Tom tells her it's one paper, so Kathy's dreams of a Cannes-like international press event are dashed. Jessica and Tiffany, meanwhile, are keeping the sign for the building under a sheet so Kathy can't see it, but they assure her it was well and truly cribbed from the Oprah website. At the biblioteca, there are still shelves to be finished and ceilings to be repaired. Teams Griffin and Woz kick it into high gear as Kathy frets that if this thing isn't finished on time, she doesn't think she's going to be able to pass it off as Kathy Lee Gifford's, which was her Plan B. But things seem to be moving along, and Team Griffin even has some spare time at the end to fill a Kathy Griffin piñata up with candy.

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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