Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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Suck It, Jesus, Kathy's Feeding The Bears!

Kathy E-mail Watch: Nothing yet. Don't make me start courting Kathie Lee Gifford's e-mails.

This week's opening stand-up salvo involves a story about Kathy's mom watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a show that manages to be too trashy and pathetic even for me. And while it's a funny story, nothing will top my Grandpa watching Sex and the City, so let's move on.

Kathy gathers Team Griffin for a company meeting, at which point she informs them that she signed the three of them up to teach a class at the Learning Annex on how to be a celebrity assistant. The enthusiasm is noticeably absent, even given Tom and Jessica's usual state of catatonia. The Learning Annex people even misspelled Tom as "Tim" on their brochure, and the best reaction he can give is a weary rubbing of his eyes. I guess all that nonstop masturbating can really sap your energy, but what's Jess's excuse? Tiffany, of course, giggles her way through the entire meeting, particularly when Kathy and Jess re-enact the moment they decided Jess needed an assistant. Nobody's laughing when they find out the seminar is three hours long, though. Well, nobody but Kathy. Oh, and it's in two days. Go team!

Kathy interviews that since Team Griffin will be busy teaching others this week, she's going to help people, too, by filming a PSA for guide dogs. Let's hope she can make it a smidge less depressing than those Sarah McLachlan spots for the ASPCA. If I see one more sad-eyed dog begging me to adopt it before it's put down, all set to the Canadian warblings of "Angel," I don't know what I'll do. Kathy meets the dogs and their owners -- a blind woman and an Iraq vet amputee -- and you get to see yet another moment where Kathy lets down the fame-hustling fa├žade for a moment, which you know I like. Unsurprisingly, she strikes up an easy conversation with the vet. Then she brings out her own dogs, hellions that they are, and while the soundtrack is all scary and ominous, all that ends up happening is a lot of butt-sniffing. Kathy displays her disciplinary tactic, which involves a motion I can only describe as pretending your hand is a stun gun and fake-tasering the dog's neck. Like, making a sound and everything. It doesn't really do anything, though the guide dog foundation guy seems to think Kathy's creating a pair of neurotic dogs. Kathy interviews that she plans to invite Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer, over to vindicate her technique.

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Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

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