Kingdom Hospital
Death's Kingdom

Episode Report Card
Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
St. Don't-You-Wish-You-Were-Elsewhere
Previously: Red dragon tattoo. Is just about on me. I got it for you. So now do you…oh, hey. Didn't see you there.

The opening credits sequence features the dulcet strains of "Worry About You," from the band Ivy's awesomely underappreciated adult-ethereal 2001 recording effort, Soundtrack Your Parents Would Get High To If Your Dad Would Ever Chill Out And Stop Being Such A Goddamn Narc All The Time. Actually, it's called Long Distance, and your parents are getting high to it right now, because it's calming and breezy and they've never heard of Zero 7.

A grizzled, long-haired, elderly Native-American gentleman drives a tractor-like vehicle through an outdoor hospital parking lot. Whoever this person is and whether he ever becomes important is currently notwithstanding, because on self-consciously off-beat hour-long television programs like Twin Peaks or The X-Files or, say, Kingdom Hospital, random actions never require explanation if you're unlucky enough to dwell in the ghetto of Tangential Characters Engaged In Quirky Doings. Which, it seems, is the woeful plight of this unnamed gentleman here. Alone on a mission, He Drives With Enormous Horsepower (well, I say that if he doesn't have a name, he deserves to have us give him a name) aims his tractor toward the bleating din of a nearby car alarm. As the good and hearty He Drives With Enormous Horsepower pulls closer, we note telltale signs -- the tire lock, The Club, the nearby attending group of toughs -- that this car belongs to the evil Dr. Stegman, who parks in spots that don't belong to him and finds Andrew McCarthy to be petulant and oddly short. Boo, Dr. Stegman. Booooooo. He Drives With Enormous Horsepower steps down from his urban tractor and wanders grimly toward the car. He bypasses it and ambles to the paper bag Stegman placed over some incriminating sign he did not want us to see. Despite my consistent assurances that it would read "The actor whose car is parked in this spot appeared in Summer Catch. Please mock him relentlessly," we discover when He Drives With Enormous Horsepower pulls the bag off the sign that Stegman has parked in a handicapped spot. And he's not even handicapped! Depending on whether or not you believe that "Severe Trauma Of The Last Ten Years Of Your Professional Résumé" qualifies as a medical condition. He Drives With Enormous Horsepower looks at the sign and considers the savagery of human nature, a single tear falling from his saddened, disbelieving eye.

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Kingdom Hospital




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