Kingdom Hospital
Death's Kingdom

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Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
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St. Don't-You-Wish-You-Were-Elsewhere

A picture of an angry-looking white dude on the cover of a newspaper (The King Gazette? The King Picayune? The coupon circular from the local King Kullen? We get that you named the show and that the hospital is named after you. All taken care of. Thanks) accompanies a front-page headline blaring, "Accused Killer of 6 Held in Androscoggin County Jail." Man. Just when you think towns in New England can't get any more foul-sounding than Ogunquit, we meet the residents of Androscoggin. Inside his security booth, Fritz Von Coke Bottle Glasses stares at the paper until he's interrupted by, y'know, his job. He stares into one of the black-and-white screens to watch the not-so-rapid approach of the hospital employee we'll remember from last week is crazy Diane Ladd's son. Fritz Von Coke Bottle calls through his little speaker, "Hey, Bobby. Come and sit down. I got you a coffee." Bobby tells Fritz Von Coke Bottle that "Mama" wants him "upstairs," at which point Fritz's dog lifts his head and adds -- in a vaguely Prussian accent -- "and a prune Danish. Big boy." And with that, I am officially checked out, hilarious hospital imagery intended. Fritz Von Coke Bottle repeats the dog's exact sentiment, and Bobby acquiesces. As Fritz Von Coke Bottle watches a body being wheeled in on a stretcher, Bobby explains something about Stegman being after his "mama" for her séances with the terminal cases. It's explained that abruptly, and explicated that not-at-all-ishly. I guess the writers made it to this sequence and they were like, "What more do they want? We already made a dog talk in a vaguely Prussian accent! We're creatively depleted! Do they think that we are gods, for crying out loud?"

One medic from the ambulance asks the other one if the other one wants a soda. Yep. That's really a whole scene.

The Daily Globe and Trite Exposition practically reads itself out loud as so-called "Bobby" rips it out of Fritz Von Coke Bottle's hands and starts reading it. "Hey, no problem, help yourself," Fritz Von Coke Bottle says all sarcastically, and it's this totally disjointed moment where the weird, creepy guy in the crazy glasses who convinces you in the commercials that he's haaaaaunted says something that is neither weird, creepy, crazy, or, um, glasses. They vamp on about a mysterious murder that sounded rather brutal, but Fritz Von Coke Bottle throws Fat Bobby out of his insecurity booth with a tart "I want to read Beetle Bailey." I didn't make that up. If I had, I would have used the far less imaginative "Kittens. So soft and downy. My first one was named Whiskers, and he purred like trains driving through heaven.'"

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Kingdom Hospital

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