Kingdom Hospital
Goodbye Kiss

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Sobell: B- | Grade It Now!
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Physician, learn to shut your mouth

I'm kidding about the Atkins, by the way. You will pry the potatoes out of my cold dead Irish-on-one-side hands. Rolf would be having potatoes right now too, if he weren't in the middle of a lunchtime seizure. It may or may not be relevant that his arms are spread out and it looks like he's crucified. See Rolf foam at the mouth. Foam, Rolf, foam.

Meanwhile, Peter's chilling like a…well, not really like a villain, since the episode's overt baddie is busy having a full-on neural meltdown in the Androscoggin brig. Dr. Draper is talking with two nurses about why Peter's alone (his roommates have a nasty habit of dying) and why his numbers don't look so good. The bluff and hearty nurse snaps, "At least he's not paralyzed. How many miracles do you guys want in one day?" "Seven. It's a number with a nicely mythic resonance," Dr. Draper snaps. Oh, she does not. She replies, "As many as we can get." She grabs Carrie Von Trier (real subtle, Steve) and heads out while the other nurse rolls her eyes.

Mrs. D and Dr. Hook enter his office. Dr. Hook is looking a little shaken, and Mrs. D immediately starts in with, "What did you see, Dr. Hook? What was on top of the elevator? What did you see on top of that elevator? What about prom, Blaine? What about prom?" Dr. Hook isn't sure. Ah, there's the Andrew McCarthy I remember from the 1980s. I realize many of you may have swooned over him, but I was always crushing on the James Spader characters in those movies. Say what you will about Rip or Steff (hee! Those names!), they had stared unblinking into the big void where their ethics were and come back from the experience looking hot. Morally vacant, but hot. Anyway, Dr. Hook and Mrs. D establish that he saw the little girl clinging to the elevator cables, and Mrs. D begins protesting, "That little girl needs help! She's calling out for it." Just park a TV on every floor and hire Zelda Rubenstein to wander around calling, "Go into the light! Go into the light!" Dr. Hook fails to suggest this and thereby shut Mrs. D up.

As an ambulance races through downtown Androscoggin, the EMT who's attempting to jam a tube between Rolf's clenched jaws wonders at the cosmic unfairness of having to do what they're paid to do whilst toting around a lot of the driver's brother's stereo equipment. The driver's considerably more sanguine: "Squeeze happens, bro." The guy in the back complains that Rolf's eyes are bulging out of his skull. The driver calls, "Pupils?" Yup. Still there. And crossed, too. Apparently Rolf dosed with the same drug The Joker uses to kill people. And just then, the EMT explains why he can't get an airway with, "He's grinning like The Joker in Batman!" Ooh, I'm prescient. Move over, Mrs. D. There's a new clairvoyant on the block. Right at that point, the stereo turns itself on and begins playing "Kiss Him Goodbye." Tragically, it's not the Nylons' enjoyable a cappella version. The driver wants to know why it's on; the EMT's baffled too. There's some traffic-related mayhem, and the EMT hollers, "Every time I turn up the O2, I'm getting more bass out of the woofer!" Rolf begins sweating more profusely and convulsing even harder. The EMT hollers, "He's doing the Watusi. I'm going to have to slow him down!" The driver responds, "Valium might do it if he's given himself a strychnine P.O." Then he goes back to almost getting into crashes while the radio exhorts everyone to "Go on and kiss him / good-bye / sha-na-na-na, hey hey hey, good-bye." The way something as incongruous as pop music is integrated into a hinky situation totally reminds me of the scene in the reissued "complete and uncut" The Stand where someone's getting killed in his car while Madonna's Material Girl plays on the radio. The EMT labors while the driver's dealing with his own automotive weirdness, a driverless antique ambulance that goes to cut him off as the song notes, "He's never near you / to comfort and cheer you." As all the sad tears are falling from someone's eyes, the ambulance disappears. Real subtle, Steve. The EMT announces that Rolf's about to "aspirate a bolus of barfola," and he can't intubate him because "it's like trying to tube a timber hitch!" The driver hauls the ambulance out of the scene to the strains of "Hey, hey, hey / goodbye."

After the commercial break, we're back at the hospital. Dr. Draper enters an examination room, where Dr. Hook and Mrs. D are waiting. Dr. Hook asks Dr. Draper if she wants to get involved, and she shoots back, "After what Steg did, yes." Dr. Hook announces, "I'll get James." He assures her it's necessary. As Dr. Hook leaves, Dr. Draper picks up a syringe and turns to Mrs. D. Mrs. D asks, "What's that, dear?" Dr. Draper tells her it's Novocain.

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Kingdom Hospital

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