Kingdom Hospital
Goodbye Kiss

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Physician, learn to shut your mouth

And now, Drs. Draper and Hook pull one over on Dr. James re: Mrs. D and her fake stroke. Dr. James signs off on Mrs. D's ten-day stay and waves off Dr. Hook's desultory caution about Dr. Stegman not liking the expense by saying, "Dr. Stegman's got other worries today -- Mona Klingerman's mother."

We see Mrs. Renee Klingerman explode through the hospital's swinging doors and introduce herself to the nurses with a no-nonsense query about Dr. Stegman's arrival time. He's due at 4 PM. She grabs Mona's chart and heads down to the room where her daughter is sitting cross-legged on the bed and rocking back and forth. Mary's there with her, keeping her company and keeping time on the rocking.

After the commercials, we see Natalie sitting at Peter's bedside and asking tearfully, "What are you dreaming of?" Natalie, you don't want to know. It looks like he's behind the looking glass or at the Black Lodge -- all that's missing as he walks down the black-and-white tiled hallway is the Red Queen or the dancing dwarf. Too bad he gets the Barry White-sounding anteater Antubis instead. Peter asks what Antubis is, and he replies, "Different things to different people. Just remember: I do you a solid, you do me a solid. That's how it works." Peter notes that Antubis saved his life and got him out of the halo. Antubis modestly replies, "I did more than that: I saved the quality of your life. But you're not out of the woods yet." Antubis pads off, then turns around to add, "You're getting a new roommate. I'd watch out for him, if I were you." Oh, that's real helpful. Why is it that mystical totem animals always have to speak in riddles? Do they not think that being a talking animal would be mystical enough without adding some gnomic mumbo-jumbo into the mix?

A tubed and deeply unconscious Rolf is on a stretcher, and Dr. Whatsername tells the avoirdupois-laden Dr. Whathisname that he's "a dirty rat who got into some rat poison." Dr. Whathisname says, "Seems the dirty rat's girlfriend sent him the stuff in prison. Took her own share. A suicide pact. Unlike Rolf here, she made it." Rolf lays blissfully unconscious.

Bobby tries settling Mrs. D -- or "Momma," as he likes to call her -- into a room, but she's got dead people to commune with. "I'll start in the basement, and I'll take her doll, because she'll be wanting her doll."

A stereo is still playing the "na-na-na" song as Abel and Christa go walking by. Abel notes, "The old lady has begun searching." "Will she find the little girl?" Christa asks. "The little girl's with the dead," Abel points out. "That's spooky!" Christa says. "Yes. It is spooky," Abel concurs. He adds, "She may find the other one." "The bad boy?" Christa asks. "The bad boy," Abel adds. Thank you, offbeat Greek chorus. You know, when I get my pretentious spooky TV series, the Greek chorus will be provided by actual Grecians speaking Greek. Or maybe just Nia Vardalos doing her big fat Greek shtick. Or maybe, if she's all demanding on the set, I'll replace her with two Delta Kappa guys who can comment on the plot's creepy goings on with, "Brah, that's so effed up!" and the occasional shotgunned beer.

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Kingdom Hospital

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