El Velorio

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
El Velorio

On the last episode of Kingpin: well, you know. Sex, drugs, tigers, whips. The usual.

We open in a meth lab. People are wearing berets and smoking tiny little cigarettes, reading Simone de Beauvoir. Okay, not really: actually, they're making drugs. I had no idea it was this complicated, frankly. Later, I hope they'll do an episode detailing how they get those pictures onto the acid tabs. Not that I've ever taken acid. I've barely even smoked pot. I mean, I've never even smoked pot. Anyway. They're bagging up the meth when an older man walks into the frame and asks them to come outside.

Chato sits on his motorcycle in front of the lab, wearing a leather jacket and Ray-Bans and smoking. He's so the Dylan McKay of this show. He swings his leg over the cycle and saunters over to address the workers. "There's going to be a new way of doing things around here," he yells. "Miguel is very happy with the product, but he wants more. Instead of fifty kilos, he wants seventy-five." As he takes a drag from his cigarette, some anonymous worker steps up and asks if they're going to get "more cookers." Everyone else automatically takes a step away from him. Chato -- my crazy, hyper-sexual uber-violent boyfriend -- takes off his sunglasses. "More cookers?" he yells. Señor Screwed explains that if Miguel wants more product, they need more employees. Chato cocks a brow at him. "No. There's not going to be more cookers," he hisses. "There's going to be one less. Get out of here. You're fired." Señor Screwed looks sad as Chato drawls that he didn't even get to finish what he was saying. "Anybody else have any questions?" he asks. "WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE?" he bellows at poor Señor Screwed. The guy is clearly stunned, but, really, he ought to be happy that Chato didn't shoot him. He looks around -- they're miles from nowhere -- and wonders how he'll get back to Juarez. "Walk," Chato snaps. And the poor guy just takes off toward nowhere. "Now, if he had kept his mouth shut, he would have heard about the bonus," Chato says. At the word "bonus," the guy behind him trips and stumbles down the hill. Chato gives all of the meth-lab workers his Patented Chato Sex Eye -- the look that screams "I want you, right here, right now, or else" -- and tells them that if they can get their output to seventy-five kilos a week, each of them gets five grand. And then he gives them the eye again! The rest of the employees are so pleased to be getting some extra cash that they all give him the Sex Eye in return. Chato smiles slowly and tells them to get back to work.

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