El Velorio

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Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
El Velorio

Manny meets Miguel inside, praying by Tio Jorge's casket. He walks into the room with a huge puff of cigar smoke and leans comfortably on the casket. "Do you mind?" Miguel asks. Manny takes a drag on his cigar. "You know, Miguel, I've always thought you were very intelligent," Manny says, taking off his sunglasses. "You brought a lot to La Corporacion." Miguel's like, thanks, nutball. Manny announces that he plans on keeping Miguel involved at a very high level. "What the hell are you talking about?" Miguel asks. "You'll be my top lieutenant," Manny clarifies, with a thoughtful look. At this, Miguel stands up and clears his throat. "You think you're taking over?" Miguel asks mildly. "You better quit messing with that voodoo, or whatever it is that you're into." Excuse me. Did someone say, "voodoo"? Oh, Aaron Spelling, how can I ever thank you? Manny smiles back at him, evilly. "You, El Jefe?" he asks. "Have you ever held a gun? Or taken a man's life? Or tasted human flesh?" Whoa, hold the phone! Voodoo and cannibalism? My recapping dreams are coming true, everyone! Thank you, Jesus! Anyway, Miguel is about to say something cutting when Romulo strolls in and announces that Tio Beto wants to talk to all of them. Miguel smiles blankly, as smoke wreathes Manny's voodoo-practicing, human-flesh-consuming head.

We salsa over into Tio Beto's office. Chato is already there, pouring himself a drink. "What do you think this is about?" Romulo asks Chato. "What do you think, Tonto?" Chato snarks, taking a snort of whiskey. Have I mentioned that I am in love with him? He is evil, crazy, clearly a giant whore, probably not all that smart, certainly violent, and, as we'll see later, a total sexist, and yet, I love him. He's just, you know, charming. Lupita trots in on Manny's heels and takes a seat. "What are you doing here?" Chato asks. She reminds him that she's Tio Beto's first-born. "Oh, really? That's good. It still doesn't make you a man," Chato purrs, sitting next to her and giving her, yes, the Chato Sex Eye. Chato, she's your cousin! On the other hand, Chato's also hot for his own brother, so whatever. At least this isn't illegal. "Only the men, Lupita," Tio Beto tells her. Wait, let me think about this. Chato and Miguel are brothers. Romulo is Tio Beto's kid, right? And Ernesto was Tio Jorge's illegitimate child and Lupita was his legitimate daughter? Is that right? I need a flow chart here. Anyway, Lupita asserts that she has the right to hear this. "I should also be a part of this," Marlene says from the doorway. At this, Lupita holds up the classic "talk to the hand, bitch" hand. "Go away. This is for the family," she says. La Familia count to date: 7. Poor Marlene. She's clearly all calculating and whatnot, but Miguel's family isn't very nice to her. I mean, they're all calculating and whatnot, too, so it really is a match made in heaven. But Marlene stays calm. "If your husband is family, then I am family," she says. Tio Beto says something in Spanish to Lupita (I think it was something along the lines of, "Get out, Lupita") and she gets up and gets right into Chato's face. "And what about him?" she asks. "He was supposed to take care of my father and he didn't do it." At this, Miguel steps in (to speak up for his brother, you'll notice, but not his wife), and says that Chato did nothing wrong. "There's nobody to blame," he says. And so, with a few irritated words in Spanish, Lupita leaves. Miguel shuts the door behind her and right on his own wife. "Women," Chato says mildly.

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