Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | Grade It Now!

"Ernesto says that you approved a half-million-dollar bounty on U.S. drug agents?" Miguel begins. "Si, I did." Tio Jorge says. "I did." Miguel rolls his eyes and explains that this is like declaring war on the United States: "One agent was killed already." Jorge says something about having to send a message to the other cartels: that they're not weak in this period of fluctuating leadership or some such. They have to maintain the upper hand. Miguel smiles and takes the old man's hand. It seriously looks like they're about to break out into a hardcore thumb war. "This is a bad situation, Tio," Miguel finally says. "Your son? This is too much for him to handle. Me, and Chato, we should be running La Corporacion." Tio yelps that he needs Chato with him! And Miguel is supposed to be helping Ernesto, not working against him! "He is not fit to lead," Miguel says. "He's a total wackjob," the Mole adds. "My Son! Is Not! Stupid!" Tio Jorge bellows. "And maybe I'm not educated like you, but I know one thing, Miguelito. You don't want to be the boss." Miguel examines his cigar very closely. "You think I'm weak?" he asks. "I think you think too much," Tio Jorge says. Miguel would like to know what that means, exactly. "It Means! To be a leader of MEN! You have to be BOLD! And not full of DOUBTS! About the LIFE! You're living! HOMBRE," Tio Jorge shrieks. Around him, the scenery screams and runs for its life. This guy is way over-dramatic. Miguel points out that he chose to be a part of this -- to come back home. He's proud of their business, he says. "YOU! DON'T! QUESTION ME!" Tio Jorge yells. "I am totally not questioning you, freakshow," Miguel's Mole mutters. "I HAVE SEEN THE FLAMES OF HELL!" Tio Jorge yells. " I HAVE SWAM THROUGH RIVERS OF BLOOD! YOU DON'T QUESTION MEEEEEE!" And, with that, he stumbles back to the opium den. Wow. Kids: don't do drugs. "You better figure out a way to get him home. He's going crazy on this boat," Chato obviouses, and follows the lunatic back into the bedroom. Miguel just wearily rubs his eyes.

Casa de Queso. Marlene lies on the bed and looks at proof sheets. Is she a lawyer or a photographer, or what? "Hi," Miguel says morosely. "I want you to do something for me."

Ernesto's Crazy Camp. King Crazy is playing with his tiger. He's wearing a mask on the back of his head, and he's making Miguel talk to the mask instead of his face. See, I told you: crazy. Deliciously crazy. I think I love him. "I have fed this tiger by hand ever since he was a little cub," he says, throwing meat at the animal. "I know he loves me. But I also know that he's waiting for his chance to jump on me and eat me," he says. Over Ernesto's shoulder, Miguel makes this hilarious face, like he can't believe he has to converse with a plastic mask. Finally, Ernesto turns to look at Miguel. "That is why I wear this -- so he will never think I'm turning my back on him," he explains. Behind them, the tiger licks his lips. "Don Carlo wants to meet you," Miguel finally says. Ernesto wrinkles up his nose. "¿El Colombiano? What for?" Miguel explains that Don Carlo and Tio Jorge go way back. "He knows you're calling the shots now. He wants to get to know you," Miguel explains. Ernesto smiles blissfully. "Okay! Miguel, set up the meeting!" And then he turns back to the tiger. "Professionalism is very important to Don Carlo. You want to make a good impression on him," Miguel explains tightly. The mask nods at Miguel. "Of course," Ernesto agrees, throwing a human leg to the tiger, who just laps it up. "He's so cute," Ernesto coos. "He likes his food!" Miguel forces a smile.

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