Lost

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Double Your Pleasure
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!
Hey, everybody -- welcome back! Can you believe it? The wait between seasons felt nearly as endless as the mysteries posed by what has to be one of the most batshit insane television programs we'll ever see. Now we're not only back, but we're on the home-stretch. No other series has ever made me feel that it has both dragged on so long, and rushed by so quickly. Since I've always experienced two realities when it comes to Lost, it feels fitting to me that these dual realities are now canon, but I'm getting ahead of myself so let's get right to it. You ready? Okay.

Previously on Lost. Ahahahahahahahah. Right. Wait. You want me to...? Oh, okay, but only because you're so nice. Once upon a time, old Four Toes was part of a larger statue of Tawaret, but that was a long time ago, indeed. More recently (like oh say, the mid-to-late 19th century, just as H.M.S. Black Rock appeared over the horizon), the statue ruins seem to have been serving as base camp for Jacob (Mark Pellegrino: Lucifer on Supernatural), who not only exists, but wears a white tunic, and has a male companion/nemesis, who dresses all in black. I like to call him Esau, because he really hates Jacob. He also seems to hate people in general, kind of like the TWoP moderators. I mean, listen to him: "They come; they fight; they destroy; they corrupt. It always ends the same." Eerily similar, no? Anyhow, Jacob is more of an optimist. "It only ends once. Anything that happens before that is just progress." Even more recently, Faux-Locke (Esau wearing a Locke meatsuit) tells Ben Linus that he (Ben) is going to kill Jacob. When Ben confronts him inside the statue's base, Jacob tells Ben he has a choice. Ben chooses to go all stabby stabby kill kill right in Jacob's chest. Jacob falls to the ground and with his last breath whispers, "They're coming," and then Faux-Locke kicks his dying form right into the fire. Elsewhere, Daniel and Jack formulate what I've come to call "The Jack Daniels" plan: detonate the Jughead hydrogen bomb at the construction site upon which the Swan hatch will be built. The point, and there is one, is to stop the Dharma Initiative from drilling into the ground and tapping into a hot pocket of energy -- the same energy that Desmond et al kept in check by typing the numbers into a computer terminal. Daniel figures if they blow up the pocket before it's ever tapped into, there will be no incident, which means Oceanic 815 will never crash on Craphole Island. But then Daniel is killed by his own mother who is pregnant with him, so Sayid tries to help Jack get the bomb from Dharmaville out to the Swan site. Roger Linus shoots Sayid along the way. After much argument (and Jack/Sawyer fisticuffs), the gang (Dying-Sayid, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Juliet, Hurley, Jin, and Miles) gets the job done. The only problem is, when Jack throws the bomb down the shaft, it doesn't explode. But then Juliet gets dragged down into the shaft by the deadly combination of electro-magnetism and chains, and cannot escape, despite Sawyer's efforts (which mostly consist of crying and yelling) to save her. In the end, she picks up a big rock and smashes the hell out of the bomb and KABOOM, everything fades to white -- even the title card. Dun.

Now: Dr. Jack Shephard is sitting in his window seat aboard what appears to be Oceanic Flight 815 and looking about uneasily, almost as if...he's been here before. It's only when the flight attendant (Cindy Chandler) stops to inquire about his drink that he snaps out of it. When he admits his drink is kind of weak, Cindy gives him a nip-sized bottle of vodka (note: on the original flight, she gave him 2 nips). As Jack adds about half the vodka to his drink, the plane hits some turbulence. Jack fastens his seatbelt and then takes a belt. The two seats next to him are empty, but across the aisle, a nice woman (Rose Nadler) notices Jack's unease and reassures him. This is the same conversation the original version of Jack and Rose had, only they've swapped lines! What fresh hell is this? They hit more turbulence -- so violent that bags fly out of the overheads. Oh, I think I see Locke, but the shaky-cam is making me ill, so I won't look too closely. As the turbulence continues, Jack white-knuckles his armrests, but his face looks serene and expectant. And then...then...then it stops. Rose tells him he can let go now. Jack releases his death grip and says, "Looks like we made it." Rose says, "Yeah, we sure did," and Bernard returns to his seat grumbling about picking the wrong time to hit the head and how he almost died thanks to that turbulence. They both say they missed each other and share a smooch. Charmed, Jacks watches them with a smile and then heads to the loo, undoubtedly for his first cry of the night. But no! He doesn't cry at all. Instead, he checks himself out and notices what's either a red bruise or bloody raw spot on his neck. It's clear from his face that he's surprised and/or disturbed to see it. He dabs at it with some tissue and returns to his seat where he finds...

Desmond! Now, Desmond wasn't on the original flight 815, on account of he was too busy *not* saving the world down on the island -- which is what caused 815 to crash on Craphole in the first place. Could it be...did the Jack Daniels plan work? And if it did work, is Desmond still a constant or whatever kind of unique and special snowflake he's always been? I can't start drinking this early. I'll never get through this damned thing. Des says the flight attendant told him he could switch seats, because his seat-mate has been snoring since they left Sydney. He asks Jack if he minds, which he doesn't, and then takes the aisle seat. "Thanks, brother." At that, Jack seems more out of sorts than before, and Des (who at some point in here is reading Salmon Rushdie's Haroun and the Sea of Stories) catches him sneaking sidelong glances at him. Then they make out. Okay, no they don't. I must have drifted off there. Jack asks if they've met before. Desmond isn't sure. They introduce themselves and shake hands. "Nice to meet you, Jack -- or to see you again." Jack laughs but his heart isn't in it. He looks out the window, and...

We see nothing but fluffy white clouds, but then the sound man and camera man start messing with our heads, because we hear rapid descent fx and the camera pans down through the clouds, to the ocean, and then beneath it, past the oddly intact but sunken remains of New Otherton, passing by the Dharma Shark -- Ezra James Sharkington -- before stopping in front of the remains of old Four-Toes' foot. And remember, I said sunken remains, so THIS IS ALL UNDER THE WATER. Dun, dun, dun. DUN! Black screen. Title card.

Theme Song!

Now, one thing that's brilliant about this show is that you look like an ass if you nitpick -- because how can you nitpick this insanity? So heehaw and this isn't a nitpick so much as a question blah blah blah donkey-cakes. But...if the original flight 815 was 1,000 miles off course when it crashed, why is this flight from Sydney to L.A. flying over the sunken remains of the island? Or is it not? Or did the sunken remains drift? If the Jughead bomb caused the island to (and possibly drift), how did the buildings, swing-set, fence and all manner of stuff remain intact? I mean, I saw upright, green trees under there, y'all. When Locke moved the island, did he move it through space as well as time, but if so, why didn't season 5 play out under water? If he did move it through space, how was Eloise Hawking's magic

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Lost

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