In the next shot, Kiki is lolling about on a red velvet cushion while Janet makes like Benton in the old opening credits on ER (how I loved that kung-fu surgical tube move!) and bellows, "Yes! I am ready!" Again with the loud! This woman's vocal cords must be made of Teflon. Mary tries stalling, but it's useless in the face of a natural force such as Janet. Sheryl Lee Ralph looks like she's having a lot of fun playing this part. Mary eventually stops Janet with, "I'm going to be real honest with you here. Janet." Janet's panicky now. Oh, that's just great. At least Mary's managed to delay the show. Or she will once she tells Janet, "You looked much hotter in that other dress." Mary sprints on over to get the other dress -- a slinky green number, as opposed to the gold va-va-voom thing Janet's wearing now -- ands holds it up so Janet can see. "Eh? This?" Janet looks, has her sartorial epiphany, then hollers, "PEOPLLLLLLLLLLLLE!" What vocalist wouldn't bellow like a Raiders fan minutes before their first concert in three years?

And now it's time for the chase scene. See Big Ed, Sandy, and Danny run after the nameless trombone-playing stalker. Run, security, run. Fortunately for the trombonist, he's only being chased by those three people, since it's not like this is a high-profile event or anything.

Janet takes the stage. She does indeed look fabulous, but she is singing one of the most moronic songs ever. Get a load of these lyrics: "I met the boy in Paris / And he mistook / A little bit of funny was all I spoke / On body language we got by / And the little twinkle in his eye / The boy, he licked my life up / He licked it good, tutti frutti / Had me giving more than I could / With no corny words to turn me off / No need for voulez-vous coucher…" And on it goes, while a skeleton crew chases on after an armed stalker. Perhaps he objects to lyrics like "Less talk, more action / My boy is not the cleverest in the land / He may have a few bubbles in his think tank." Big Ed takes down the stalker just in the nick of time. Onstage, completely oblivious to the contretemps backstage, Janet sings about how she don't need no supercalifragalistic man. The way she bugs out her eyes and extends an arm toward the audience does more to sell that line than a bag full of hundreds ever could. As Janet sings, "A little less yada-yada / Less talk, more action," Sandy makes one more broad pass at Big Ed. I'm too dazzled by the incredible obviousness and self-referentiality of the song lyrics to notice how Big Ed lets her down easy.