Ed
Last Chance

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Last Chance

While the Wheel is stopped, Ed takes the opportunity to make his big announcement: he's going to miss Carol. He's going to miss her a lot. She says it's only for the summer, and that she'll miss him, too. Ed's going to kiss Carol. You can see it in his eyes. His lips are moving and he's going to lean over and...kiss her, and...shit. He stopped. He just sits there like a complete loser as the Wheel cranks back up again and they ride in sexually frustrated silence.

Over at the talent show, Molly introduces Phil to the audience. Phil's dressed like Elvis if Elvis had ever undergone a lobotomy, and says he's prepared to bedazzle the crowd with his juggling act atop a unicycle. But he only has two pins; he must have left one backstage. He excuses himself with his trademark smug look, and ducks behind the curtain. An obvious Phil impersonator comes out from behind the curtain on a unicycle and leaves the audience slightly bemused rather than bedazzled. Warren's the only guy to give him some half-assed applause, while everyone else just waits patiently for the guy to leave the stage. Phil's shown pacing backstage and peeking through the curtain to see how the Phil Stubbs impersonator is doing. Diane leaves Mark's side and walks over to Warren to tell him that he's being an ass, just as the final musical montage of the season kicks off to the strains of Coldplay's "Yellow." We get a glimpse of Gavin -- the third buddy in the high-school trio before Diane entered the picture -- tapdancing. Dr. Jerome is rubbing his finger around crystal glasses to play a song. Kenny is taking softballs lobbed at his chest, looking like Superman shrugging off bullets. Mike and Nancy have stuck with their All In The Family tribute, but have switched places, letting Mike play Edith and Nancy play Archie. That's what I get for bitching about Nancy looking like hell as Edith, I guess. Warren loses Diane. Ed loses Carol. And now...I've lost Nancy. 'Tis a cruel world we inhabit, children. Warren plays the bigger man and takes a seat next to Mark and Diane, making Diane smile and Mark wary. The award for the most talented person in Stuckeyville goes to Phil's impersonator as Phil stands onstage, dejected, hurt, and sad. A quick update: Warren's lost Diane. Ed's lost Carol. I've lost Nancy. And Phil's lost a talent-show prize. Has there ever been a sadder episode?

The adult gang's walking around after the talent show, and Jackass announces that he's got to go pack, so he's Leaving. He tells Carol he'll be by her place to pick her up at 10. Bye, Jackass. See ya. Don't let the door hit you in the ass. Carol says she doesn't know what she's thinking, because she should go home and pack, too. Carol gets a much warmer sendoff from Molly, Mike, and Nancy, who all hug her goodbye and walk away, leaving Ed and Carol standing there. Carol asks if she has to say anything clever right now, and Ed wants to know why she asked. She says that if she has to continue talking, she's going to cry. Ed tells her she doesn't have to talk, and they embrace in a very long hug. They finally pull apart, and this is where he's going to kiss her. I just know it. He gets ready to kiss her and...first, he says, "You're going to have a great..." and you know he wants to say "life," but he stops himself and says. "...summer." Carol nods her head "yes," and you can tell even Carol is waiting for that kiss. She's waiting for Ed just to say something, anything that will make her change her mind. Something. Anything. They stare at each other for about thirty-five minutes before he says goodbye, and she says goodbye and walks away, leaving Ed alone. Sad and alone. Kinda like me without Nancy. But at least I still have a wife. Ed doesn't even have that. Or a pet. Ed needs a pet. I hope he gets a dog next season, or something. Maybe Nancy will give him her goldfish. That would be cool.

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Ed

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