Ed
Last Chance

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Last Chance

Inside, Ed walks over to the table, where Carol's sitting alone. He has something to say to her. Dramatic music swells. Ed finally blurts, "Try the consommé." He insists that the restaurant makes a fine consommé. Carol wants to know if this is a joke. Jackass walks up, and Ed finally gets that handshake he's been waiting on. He tells Jackass to enjoy his braised short ribs and not to fill up on bread; Ed then says good night, slipping out a side door and having a great deal of trouble getting out of there. Carol gets a look on her face like, "I bet Ed's pining away for me and came in here to tell me he loves me and if he had just said it, I would have jumped in his arms and run away with him to wherever he wanted to run away to because anything beats spending the rest of my life with a prematurely gray-headed socially retarded jackass." Or maybe it was just gas from the consommé. It's time I admited that I have a hard time figuring out when troubling gaseous problems are affecting people on an individual basis.

Commercials. Hey, there's some new movie called Attack of the Clowns out. Man, oh man. Don't tell my boss; she's terrified of clowns. I think it's kinda silly myself, but she says it all stems from watching a group of clowns decapitate her grandmother and eat her head when she was a child. That's also the reason she takes a lot of pills all day long and keeps a bottle of Jack Daniels in her file cabinet. And it's probably the reason she's scamming money from the company, too. I guess mental scarring from killer clowns will do that to a person. That's why I'm glad I had a sheltered childhood. The only repercussions I have from my sheltered childhood is my inability to determine how much cologne is "too much." Other than that, I'm cool.

Back at Maison Moulin Rouge, there's a tinge of awkwardness hanging in the air which could probably best be compared to the general feeling in the room when those detectives found the late INXS singer Michael Hutchence's body. It's like, "Who wants to say something first?" Finally, Jackass says it might be a good idea if they talked about Ed. Carol agrees, and has no idea why Ed's acting so weird, unless he's all hopped up on horse tranquilizers again like he was in high school. Jackass says there's something he needs to know: is there still something between Carol and Ed? Carol pauses -- while 6.3 million people sit on the edge of their seats -- and then finally says, "To be perfectly honest, [Jackass]...yes. There is something between us." 6.3 million people cheer inside their homes across the nation. Then Carol finishes: "That something is...friendship." And that's when 6,299,999 people throw their remotes at the television screen, save for Mrs. Henry Allbottom from Topeka, Kansas, who's suffering from a severe case of the gout and doesn't have the energy to throw her remote in disgust at Carol Vessey. Carol says that her and Ed's friendship is unusual and complicated. Jackass says that, in the spirit of honesty, he wants to let Carol know that he went on a three-day bender a few weeks ago and had sex with a box of Multi-Grain Wheat Thins while heavily intoxicated. He blames this slight indiscretion on the fact that those extra grains added to the wheat just make those thin damned little crackers perkier than Mary Lou Retton managing a Starbucks and before he knew it, he was nailing a Nabisco product. Carol's a little disappointed in him and says that if he ever fell off the wagon again, he should not be afraid to tell her. Then they're all happy happy joy joy except, you know, in the back of Carol's mind, she's got to think she's settling down with one psychotic cracker fucker.

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Ed

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