Last Chance

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Last Chance

Commercials. It's nice to see that the bald doctor on ER is dead now. But this week, it seems there's a whole new crisis on that show to make me sick. Little kids with these huge pus-filled sores all over their faces invade the hospital. It's like Children of the Pus-Filled Face Sores Damned or something. Totally creeping me out. Bring back the dead bald guy. At least he didn't make me want to squeeze the pus out of my television.

Mike and Nancy are sitting at a piano, dressed as Archie and Edith Bunker, and singing "Those Were The Days." I didn't think it was possible, but Nancy's hotness jumped the shark about two months ago. Every week, she gets less and less hot. Now she looks like Edith Bunker. How in the hell am I supposed to fantasize during sex that my wife is Nancy Burton when Nancy's now less attractive than my wife?! C'mon, writers! Think, damn you, think! Meanwhile, Molly's standing by, looking like she's in the kind of pain that is normally reserved for a backstage meet-and-greet with Siegfried and Roy. Molly says that Mike and Nancy's act is horrible, and Mike says it's not supposed to be good. Molly says she knows, but this is making her want to kill herself. The doorbell rings, and Molly gets it just so she can leave the room. Nancy thinks Molly's missing the irony in their act. The irony here is that once I admitted my lust for this character in print, the writers started gradually making her less attractive. Ed's at the door. He's depressed. It's Miller time. They all sit around the living room as Ed pours his heart out about how sad he is that Carol's leaving. Molly points out that they're leaving tomorrow night after the talent show, and this depresses him even more. He babbles on and on about melons in the supermarket. You look at a melon and you try and decide if you want the melon. You stare and stare and then finally someone else comes along and grabs the melon and takes it home and eats it and makes it have multiple orgasms while you're still in the supermarket wondering what the hell happened to your melon. Mike says that Ed had better be sure he doesn't want that melon. Because after tomorrow night, Jackass and Carol are leaving, and when they come back, there won't be many options on the topic. Molly says she has four words for Ed: "Get off your ass." Then Molly blurts fifteen words for her ex-boyfriend Jim: "Why couldn't you have treated me like a melon? Like a dirty, bad, bad melon?"

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