The Bellamy picks up (literally), "Big E," a tiny, tiny woman from Dallas (or "D-Town," as Bellamy calls it). She cracks Bellamy up by joking that she rode a bike to L.A.
Stephen Glickman, San Diego. Big guy. Black trenchcoat. Stories about being molested for candy in a van and daddy's cross-dressing. Ant likes him. Oh really? Well, Alonzo loves him. How you like dem apples, Ant? Glickman is in. Alonzo loves that he's a psychopath. Hey, who doesn't? Next up is Dan McGowan from Denver. Caveman banging rock with stick. Alonzo stops him, but Ant wants to see more. The guy keeps banging. He doesn't make it in. Iva La'Shawn from Springfield, Ohio. She says she has crackheads in her family. Hey, who doesn't? She kills with a crackhead-wants-a-slice-of-bologna routine. "I come for my bologna!" may be the joke of the week. The scouts love her. Save it for the show. See ya tonight. Next: Dante (just Dante) from San Diego. He jokes about a DVD being produced in the middle of a crappy movie being made. It gets him out of the 10th circle of Hell (standing in line to audition for Last Comic Standing) and into the show. Chad Lehrman from Tucson. Mild-looking-guy joking about being edgy. Alonzo doesn't seem to get that the guy is being ironic-edgy. He mildly berates them. The scouts get up and leave in mock-offense and it's not very funny. Thank God there's a commercial to fall back on.
The Bellamy, man of the people, shoulder-bumps a bunch of dudes in line outside in solidarity then explains to the viewer how he's being a good host by hanging around for days. Inside, it's much more interesting as Alycia Cooper of Temple Hills, Maryland, takes the stage. Her delivery is great as she talks about guys she's dated, but Ant covers his face with a piece of paper and then complains about her making jokes about dating a homeless guy. I hate to do it again, but I have to remind Ant for the second week in a row that he did a whole routine on satellite radio about cleaning up and blowing a homeless guy. He doth protest too much. Methinks. Ant warns Alycia that she'd better "bring it" tonight or it's on Kathleen. Alycia tells him to consider it brought. Or "broughten"? "Brought'd"? "Brøtt"? I'm no English scholar. Offstage, Alycia jokes about Ant's toupee being on too tight, and says that the whole experience was a fun blur. Peter Prins of Trabuco Canyon, California, does a hacky bit about an Irish alien that involves a bullhorn and Irish-themed alien ears. My uncle was killed by an Irish space alien, you bastard! Too soon! Alonzo asks the guy if he really thought that would work. "No," he admits. He goes offstage with his sad prop satchel while Ant rants about people's shameless whoring for attention. I have to laugh at the irony of that.