Bellamy finally tells some damn jokes. He just had a baby boy. Hey, I reproduce as well! Tell me more, comedian. He does a bit about what childproofing a house meant in the old days. It meant leaving the stove on. Too, too soon, the bit is over and we have to get to the contestants. Why you gotta do me like that, Bellamy? I want more! John Caparulo, audience favorite from the Tempe auditions, says that this is a life-changing opportunity. Well, your opportunity begins now. You're up first. In his whiny voice, he scratches his head and asks what's up with all these health nuts. Because fast food used to be fun. His closer is that fat people like to put a lot of stuff on their sandwiches at Subway. Look for this and other insights in his new book, Fat People Eat a Lot: Observations I Make That Aren't Very Funny. His set was like thirty seconds long. Don't you just love reality-TV editing?
Debra DiGiovanni from Toronto -- who was incredibly unfunny the last time we saw her -- jokes that if she doesn't win, she's going to eat a lot of ice cream. Oh, Cathy. Ackkk! She explains the concept of winter to Los Angelenos. They stop Blackberry-ing long enough to look up, then look back down without laughing. She makes a joke at the expense of skinny dumb girls and actually earns applause. Her joke formula seems to include one part self-deprecation, two parts insinuation that she's cah-razy, and three parts unfunny embellishment after the joke, like, "Oh yeah!" and "Thank you, ha ha!" Please, God, if you can hear me: I know it's late, but please, in the name of all that is funny in Your Kingdom, do not let this woman advance. Amen. Offstage, she says that was "super-fun." Not for us!