It's time for the semi-finals from Hollywood, Californicationville! The Bellamy returns from his ghostly, barely-there repose, to bellow (Bellowmy!) that this is it! We've all been waiting! We've scoured the globe for the funniest people who don't have visa issues. Audience members applaud even though nothing funny has happened yet. Backstage, a comic says it's time for "more show." How about some show? Bellamy says that we're gonna see the best from Australia, Canada, England, and the U.S. What, there's nobody funny in Mexico? Tell that to all my extended family! Eh, whatever. They'll all be here soon enough. The Bellamy says that sixteen comics will perform, and only five will make it to the next round. Nervous comics mill about backstage. Who will win? "LAST! COMIC! STANDING!" Bill, Bill, Billy. My goddamn ears, man. Could you take it easy?
Redundant opening sequence. The Bellamy takes the stage for what feels like the first time. He gets a standing ovation before he even says a word. He is so getting laid tonight. He asks the audience to make some noise, but they're way ahead of him. He reminds us that the comics are competing for an exclusive NBC talent contract, a Bravo comedy special, and $250,000. And ownership of Television Without Pity. No, not really. Wait...maybe? No, I'm sure it doesn't include that. To own this site you'd have to be funny, and not all of those competing are...you know...all that funny. Just sayin'. I should shut up and recap now. The Bellamy jokes about who'll make the cut, and relieves the incredibly unbearable tension by saying that he's glad it's not him. Thud. Bellamy introduces the talent scouts. They are: Hilarious Alonzo. Very Funny Kathleen. Incredibly Annoying Ant. How annoying? Before Bellamy can finish his introduction, Ant stands up, flops his fake hair around, and goes, "And I'm sexy, too, haaaaay!" I guess it's safe to tell my favorite non-offensive gay joke now. What does a gay horse eat? You guessed it: "Haaaaaay!" We have a special fourth judge tonight. We see him before we hear his name, and it looks like a cackling, bent-over, scary Tom Arnold. And I actually kinda like Tom Arnold. But boy does he look scary right now. Tom stands and looks much more normal. Thank goodness. Bellamy, who should be telling jokes right now, is instead taking Ant's duties as Giant CapitalOne Shill. The audience gets to vote again on the no-hassle pass. Writing about it is a hassle.
Bellamy finally tells some damn jokes. He just had a baby boy. Hey, I reproduce as well! Tell me more, comedian. He does a bit about what childproofing a house meant in the old days. It meant leaving the stove on. Too, too soon, the bit is over and we have to get to the contestants. Why you gotta do me like that, Bellamy? I want more! John Caparulo, audience favorite from the Tempe auditions, says that this is a life-changing opportunity. Well, your opportunity begins now. You're up first. In his whiny voice, he scratches his head and asks what's up with all these health nuts. Because fast food used to be fun. His closer is that fat people like to put a lot of stuff on their sandwiches at Subway. Look for this and other insights in his new book, Fat People Eat a Lot: Observations I Make That Aren't Very Funny. His set was like thirty seconds long. Don't you just love reality-TV editing?