Last Resort
Captain

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We All Live in a Yelly Submarine

Coming back from the ads, Cameron reports that the bombers aren't wavering. Chaplin gives a defeated grimace and gets on the mic to the crew, telling them this is it, and that it's been an honor to serve with all of them. "There's no one else I'd rather be with right now." Kendal stands behind Chaplin, not saying anything but probably thinking something rather different. Cameron reports that their missile is over Indiana, and Chaplin orders Kendal to prepare to destruct the missile. With thirty seconds to go before the bombers arrive, Chaplin tells Kendal, "I guess that desk job will have to wait." "I wasn't built for desks anyway, sir," Kendal says. They're just about to turn their keys to destruct the missile when Cameron yells out that the bombers are turning back. Everyone's so relieved that Chaplin grimaces even harder, but then they all look stunned when Chaplin yanks his key back out. There's more key-pulling in this show than a nomination episode of Big Brother, y'all. Curry says the bombers have turned and it's time to destruct the missile. "Too late. You missed the deadline by ninety seconds," Chaplin says, hanging up. Kendal urgently insists that Chaplin destruct the missile, but Chaplin says, "If they don't think we'll back up our threats, we'll be dead in a week. Along with everyone else in this town." Whereas if you nuke D.C. you can look forward to dying peacefully in your bed?

The missile streaks over the Washington Monument, and then plows into the ocean, turning the usual view of the capitol into the Monument, the Dome, and the mushroom cloud far offshore. The detonation is even visible in the background of a shot of the Statue of Liberty, so that's a big ol' boom. Cameron reports they have a detonation, 200 miles east of Washington. Chaplin says, "At that distance, no one will be hurt. But I'd say we got their attention." Yeah, especially the attention of people in Delaware. But the important thing is that now they won't want to kill you any more, right? By the way, Chaplin, if you just nuked Swallow Falls, the U.S. government is about to be the least of your worries.

Chaplin addresses the camera directly: "I'm Captain Marcus Chaplin of the USS Colorado." The lens he's speaking to is on an old-school video camera set up in a tripod in the station's control room, witnessed by his officers and the station's two visible employees. "A short time ago, my submarine was ordered to fire four nuclear ICBMs into Pakistan. These orders came through a secondary, less secure network." Mrs. Kendal is stuck in a bare interrogation room with a government agent opening Kendal's file in front of her, like she's Keanu Reeves in The Matrix or something. "With millions of lives at stake, I requested that confirmation of the order be sent through the normal and proper channel. In response, an American attack sub, the USS Illinois, fired on us and left our crew for dead at the bottom of the Indian Ocean." Well, when you put it that way.

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Last Resort

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