House

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Sail Away
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's early morning in a bedroom full of pretty and intricately-folded paper airplanes that hang from the ceiling. At the ungodly hour of 4:30 am, the alarm goes off and Martha M. Masters sits up in bed and starts reciting various medical terms and differentials as she gets ready for her day. Her roommate appears and tells her she can stop drilling herself; now that they're in their third year of medical school, they don't have exams to worry about. Martha reminds her that she may not have exams, but she does have House. The roommate exposits that after today, Martha will start her internship and thus be free of House forever. Martha says that as horrible as working for House was, she's almost sad it's coming to an end. Her time in med school will be coming to an end, too, if she doesn't do the one last required lumbar puncture so she can hand in her procedure log that is due today.

Martha runs into the ER and is pleased to see a lumbar puncture waiting for her. But when she approaches the patient, she finds another student, known as "Cruz," preparing to do it instead. He's an asshole, so even though he has plenty of lumbar punctures in his log, he won't let her do this one. The roommate walks up and says she just turned in her own procedure log and saw an internship opening in House's department. House has never had an intern before, which means this position is basically for Masters. Good; I hope she stays. House needs more than one female Cottage. Especially since the one female Cottage is Hadley. And since I want Martha to stay, I'm sure this will be her last episode.

Martha walks into the meeting room and finds Hadley being a good assistant and setting up the flatscreen TV for today's differential. "You must be Dr. ... Thirteen?" Martha says. Hadley introduces herself with her real name, and then the rest of the Cottages pile in and cheerfully greet her with hugs and smiles. Well, except for Foreman, who angrily asks where she was for the last year. House suddenly appears in his office to answer the question for Hadley: she "bottomed out" and went to rehab. This comes as a surprise to the others, who had no idea that she had a drug problem. Because she didn't. Is it really better for people to think you had a serious drug problem than that you mercy killed your sick brother? Just tell the truth already, Hadley.

Now that the Cottages have been reunited and given all of five seconds to see each other, they get right back to work as House introduces them to their newest patient: sixteen-year-old Kendall, who is trying to set the record as the youngest person to sail around the world. Unfortunately for her, she collapsed during a practice run. Fortunately for her doctors, she did it on camera, so they can watch it on the flatscreen Hadley just set up. House says they have just three days to get Kendall better and back on the water before she'll be too old to set the record. I'm confused - isn't the record based on your age when you finish the sail and not when you begin? How can they predict exactly how long it will take her? Looking at other youth sailing records (solo, non-stop, and unassisted), it could take her anywhere from 210 to 327 days to finish the trip. That's a much bigger window than three days. House points out that there's another time limit: Martha only has one day left with them before she starts her internship. Martha says that's true, then suggests dehydration. House invades her personal space and says they already ruled that out, then asks where she's planning on interning in an uncharacteristic show of interest in someone else's life. Martha claims that she's still deciding. Um ... doesn't her internship start tomorrow? Shouldn't she have, therefore, decided this like months ago? I guess it makes sense that PPTH's medical school program is run as terribly as the rest of the hospital. Taub points out the Kendall hit her back right before she fell, possibly damaging her adrenal glands and causing the collapse. House likes this, and orders the Cottages to draw blood from Kendall every fifteen minutes and check her cortisol levels to prove it. But first, he wants to talk to Martha about her internship. The Cottages catch on and realize that House is thinking of taking Martha on as an intern. Taub can't believe that Martha is even thinking about saying yes to this. Taub, who left a lucrative career as a plastic surgeon twice to work for House, doesn't understand why Martha would want to intern with him? Martha says she has to finish her last LP before she can decide anything and asks if she can go to the ER to do that. Instead, House sends her and Hadley off to draw blood from Kendall.

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