Welcome to Launch My Line, Bravo's latest attempt to replace Project Runway! I'm sure this will be quality TV, seeing as how Bravo delayed its premiere for months and months and then put it on at 11 pm on a Wednesday. Anyway, the gist of it is that there are ten people "at the top of their (vaguely fashion-related) field" who have a "passion for fashion." They'll each be teamed up with a real designer expert and try to make a clothing line. Because we all know that DJs and architects are just brimming with good ideas for clothing design.
The limos arrives and the contestants emerge. We meet fashion writer Patrick McDonald, who calls himself "the Dandy of New York." He looks like a hot mess to me, with his Cruella De Vil eyebrows and possibly drawn-on mole. He may have even drawn on the sideburns. Put the black eyebrow pencil down, Dandy. Next we meet Kathy Rose, a jewelry designer with terrible taste in hats. David Applebaum is an architect who brags about his celebrity clients, including Frank Sinatra (dead), Bob Hope (dead), and Rupert Murdoch (should probably watch his back). He claims it's his dream to be a clothing designer. I'll bet that dream began as soon as he found out he could get on a reality show for it. Louanna Rawls claims to be a wardrobe stylist, but she's actually just Lou Rawls' daughter. Then contestants assemble in front of the show hosts Dean and Dan Caten, the twin brothers behind DSquared2. Architect wonders if he's "seeing double." Shut up, Architect. Also, shut up, DSquared2. Why are they hosting this? They have seriously annoying voices. And they're creepy. Also, the name of their fashion line reminds me of math, and I hate math. Merle Ginsberg, Fashion Critic, says she's always wanted to create her own fashion line. And if that doesn't work out, she has a promising career as a Katey Sagal impersonator.
The group head inside the California Market Center that is apparently serving as home base. DSquared2 explain the rules and say that the winner gets his or her own fashion line that will be sold to the public, most likely on the Bravo website. He or she will also get an article in Lucky magazine. And now it's time for the contestants to be paired with an "expert," whose motivation to give a shit about this is $50,000 if a member of the winning team. Just to drag things out, each expert is holding a bag with one contestant's personal item inside. Whoever's item is in the bag is paired with that expert. Roberto is paired with Patrick the Dandy, and wonders which one of them will be the bigger diva. The answer, of course, is DSquared2. CEO L. Marilyn Crawford's personal item is an invitation to some event with Oprah. L. Marilyn is lame for that. She's paired with some woman named Coco who doesn't get an interview. Merle is paired with Thai. Music executive Kevin is paired with Akiko, whoever she is. Dan Karaty, choreographer, is paired with designer Susan. He tries to convince us that choreography and fashion have something to do with each other. Even though he's wearing a white T-shirt and a purple sweater vest that's too big for him, showing that he has no fashion sense. David gets Julie. Louanna gets Jim. Event director Vanessa Gonzalez gets Tressa. Vanessa's definition of fashion, from the pictures they show of her choice outfits, appears to be Disney princesses. Grow up, Vanessa. Kathy gets Emil. And Eric gets Galina.