Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

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Chat Room

Back at the station, Cragen offers his crack insight into the criminal mind of the Yachtsman. "This Yachtsman's got a taste for naked pictures," he says. Despite this helpful info, nobody knows where to find the Yachtsman, because he always re-routes his email sessions to make them untraceable. "Let's make him come to us," says Cragen, since they know he frequents teenage chat rooms. "Let's give the man what he wants."

Which is . . . uh, Munch? He sits in front of the computer while the whole SVU gang sits looking on. "Yachtsman's on the air," says Munch, "he's explaining to this girl Marie how to filch Prozac from her mother." "Talk to him," says Cragen. Munch signs on as "Nicole." Actually the real Nicole here at MBTV lent him the screen name, on the condition that he also use it to write a Third Watch recap while she recovers at a spa. Anyway, Munch calls on his Inner Flirty Twelve-Year-Old Girl and types, "I think I need some. My parents are so harsh." You know, Teen Munch would be on the rag, wouldn't she? The Yachtsman types back, "I like understand." "As if," Teen Munch types back. Ooh, that little tease! Everyone looks on in breathless anticipation of what the Yachtsman will type next, maybe something like "word up!" or "phat, dude!" But no, after exactly two exchanges of online chat, the Yachtsman suggests they meet in person. So I guess Teen Munch is "easy," too? Oh, God, I don't want to think about it.

Let me just add that Teen Munch is getting way more action than I did when I was twelve. Bitch. I hate her.

Anyway, Munch's hot date is at a coffee house in Chelsea, where he sits and waits and reads a paper. Today, instead of his usual dark glasses, he wears shades with heart-shaped frames a la Lolita. Okay, so he doesn't, but it would have been poignant, don't you think? An older man comes in, looks around, and spots a girl sitting at the table behind Munch. "Hi," he says to her. "I'm the Yachtsman. You must be Nicole." Munch pops up. "Actually, I'M Nicole," he says. Stabler (who I suppose we can call "Tiffany") jumps up and flashes his badge at the Yachtsman, and with Munch's help hustles him out of the coffee shop.

At the station, the Yachtsman's lawyer stands off against Cragen and the red-headed ADA last seen in the "Limitations" episode: "What's my client being charged with?" "Soliciting a minor," says ADA Red. "I thought he solicited a forty-eight-year-old detective named John Munch," says the YachtsLawyer sarcastically. Heh. "He thought it was a twelve-year-old girl," replies ADA Red. Cragen calls aside YachtsLawyer and tells her about the child prostitute in Cuba and the kiddie porn on Yachtsman's computer. "I understand what you're trying to say about my client," she says. "But I'm not going to be remiss in my duty as an attorney just because you haven't made a credible case yet." "It'll be credible to a jury," says ADA Red. YachtsLawyer stalks out like, "Yeah right." ADA Red says that YachtsLawyer will argue that Yachtsman knew he was talking to an adult the entire time -- "role-playing, fantasizing, whatever" -- and that cyber-crimes are very hard to prosecute. "These are people's children, for God's sake!" says Cragen. "He's clearly a threat to society," he says. "I know, but we don't have a case!" says ADA Red. Back at the station, the SVU gang realizes they can't sink the Yachtsman on the basis of the Internet smut; they'll have to try and find an actual victim. "Other than his big date with Munch, we have no evidence he ever contacted his little friends," says Jeffries. "Except for the panty auctions," says Benson. "Maybe he was more interested in the return address than he was in the panties." They decide to check out one of the sales -- panties bought from a fifteen-year-old in Queens.

A chung-chung! brings Munch and Jeffries to the home of Doris Harrington. An elderly woman tells them Doris isn't home, and that she's Doris's grandmother, and what's this about? "Pedophilia," says Munch. "Oh!" says Doris's granny, and reluctantly lets them in. "Hello, ladies!" says Munch to a table full of little old ladies smoking and playing cards. Jeez, Munch is on quite the feminine odyssey this episode. From virgin to crone, from the full moon to the new, Munch celebrates all the ages of womanhood! Anyway. "High-stakes canasta?" he asks the women. "We're not doing anything illegal!" says one of the canasta ladies. "The vibe in here is a tad touchy, Mrs. Harrington," notes Munch. "It's not easy getting old!" says Doris's Granny. Munch tells her that they need to talk to her granddaughter. Meanwhile, Canasta Lady is acting defensive. "Did you read the warrant, Doris?" she asks. Oops! "Doris? You're Doris?" asks Jeffries. "Yes," says Doris, "my granddaughter's name is Elaine," she says, in a no-I'm-not-lying tone of voice. Jeffries looks over at a box filled with big manila envelopes. "May I?" she asks. "No! This isn't Russia!" says Canasta Lady, freaking out. "Shut up, Betty!" says Granny Doris. Hmm -- what are they selling? Hand-made crafts? Muffin cozies? Jeffries picks up an envelope and somehow just knows she ought to lift the contents out with a pen rather than her own fingers. Now that's streetwise. Gingerly she lifts out a pair of blue satin panties. Granny panties they ain't. Granny Pantypeddler tries to explain that their panties-for-profit scheme is just like the Beardstown ladies' investment club. "I take it these are your granddaughter's?" asks Munch. "Of course," says Granny Pantypeddler. "We advertise 'Used Homecoming Queen Undergarments' and that's what we provide!" Hee hee! It's so cute that they say "undergarments"! "Truth in advertising -- I'm sure Parents Magazine will award you their seal of approval," says Munch ruefully. Oh come on, Munch. You know you love it.

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Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

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