Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Episode Report Card
Wendola: A+ | Grade It Now!
...Or Just Look Like One

Dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to get through this thing called my last L & O: SVU recap. "Permanent Hiatus" means forever, and that's a mighty long time. Anyway, electric word to Sars, Pooh, and the few, the proud, the SVU forum folks. Let's look for the purple banana 'til they put us in the truck.

In the emergency entrance of a hospital, EMTs are lifting an old woman in a gurney out of the ambulance. The old woman says she's "got the AIDS again," and also claims to have just had a heart attack and the Ebola virus. I guess she's a hypochondriac: one of those people who are convinced they're afflicted with all sorts of clichés from other shows. Oh, did I say "clichés from other shows"? I meant "diseases." Whatever. It doesn't matter, because soon everyone notices a car beeping its horn repeatedly in the hospital driveway. The doctor tells a medic to "go see what the problem is." The car is an oversized SUV with tinted windows. It seems to be honking as if to say, "am I annoying enough? Or do I need one of those 'Pissing Calvin' stickers, too?" Anyway, the medic calls out, "Hey, we're a HOSPITAL here!" as if perhaps the SUV driver thought the place was actually just a hospital-themed casino/hotel with valet parking. But the SUV screeches off and exceeds even the most jaded expectations of SUV Asshole Behavior, because it's left behind a young woman lying on the pavement, beaten to a pulp. Dude, you're supposed to do that to Plymouth Neons, not people.

A while later, the girl's unconscious in a hospital bed while Benson sits nearby. Enter Stabler. "She was dumped on the street outside the hospital," Benson tells him. A cop comes in and explains that the victim's school ID identifies her as Teresa Burgess. He holds up something in a plastic evidence bag. "This little backpack is hers," he says, and I confess I like how he knows to specify it's a -- little backpack, as if he learned Fashion Forensics at the academy or something. Stabler and Benson glance at the contents, which includes a professional black-and-white photo of Teresa. "Pretty girl," notes Benson. "Until someone did this to her," says Stabler, and we get a brief close-up of the victim's mangled face. The doctor enters and fills them in on the details: "A vicious attack…double puncture wounds, a neat little set of two." For a moment I hope that this will be the episode when it's revealed, as I've always suspected, that SVU also stands for "Special Vampire Unit." But no. The doctor has no sense of camp whatsoever and says that the double puncture wounds were probably caused by a claw hammer. Oh fine, then -- be gritty and bleak. Anyway, the doctor goes on to say that the girl has over thirty wounds; what's more, she apparently overdosed on amphetamines and can't breathe without a respirator. "There's something else," says the doctor. "She was raped with a wooden object." She holds up a vial with something floating inside. "What's that?" asks Stabler, even though women everywhere are cringing and have guessed already. "Splinters," says the doctor. Thanks for telling us, doc. Say, I bet I can cross my legs so tightly that I go numb from the waist down. Let me try that right now, okay?

Opening credit montage. Behold the perps, the hookers, the child abductors: they who continually vex the Lawful and Orderly Universe. Look upon them! Alas.

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Law & Order: Special Victims Unit




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