Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

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...Or Just Look Like One

Chung-chung! An auto shop. Benson and Stabler visit Ricky Blaine, the Perp Formerly Known As The Measuring Man, who's working as a mechanic now. They hurl their usual nastiness at him: "We hear you have a bad habit of roughing up pretty women," says Benson. The Measuring Mechanic insists that he isn't up to that anymore, but he guesses why they are questioning him, because he read about Tazmin's attack in Women's Wear Daily. "Her Kmart underwear ads were primo monkey-spank fuel," he says. Ew. His alibi is that he was watching football at the halfway house, but he can't remember who was playing. He looks at Benson: "You know, you have great bone structure. 34-25-36? What are you, A-cup?" Benson glares while Measuring Man tells her he "still knows people in the business" and "could make a couple of phone calls." He reaches out to stroke Benson's faaaabulous chin. She and Stabler respond by getting all tag team on Measuring Man's ass. They trip him and pin him to the floor and search his pockets for measuring tape, which they don't find, and then they storm out, because nobody calls the daughter of Jayne Mansfield an A-cup.

Back at the cop shop, Munch and Cassidy have returned from their assignment Wise in the Way of Models. Apparently that Tazmin was booted from the Monday night photo shoot at around midnight for failing a weigh-in. "A weigh-in?" gasps Benson. Apparently Tazmin, who was 5' 7", weighed in at 110 pounds. Benson is still shocked: "110 pounds is too heavy?" The story is that Tazmin hung around awhile, argued with Carlo in his office, got upset, and then left with a girlfriend, another model named Vanessa Wong. "We're still looking for her," says Cassidy. "Girlfriend? How?" asks Stabler. "Well, they're not k.d. lang fans, if that's what you mean," says Munch. Okay, how much do I admire the fastidiousness of the closed captions typist? Because, even though the rest of the captions always appear in CAPITAL LETTERS, the typist actually took the trouble to write "k.d. lang" in the proper lowercase. Like, this is what appeared on my screen: "WELL, THEY'RE NOT k.d lang FANS, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN." Hee hee. I love it. Oh, hell, I forgot what else happens in this scene.

Chung-chung! Apartment of Vanessa Wong. Oh yeah -- I guess they decided to try and find this Vanessa Wong chick. Benson and Stabler strut down the hallway, all hopeful about finding out the dirty details about Tazmin. "Girlfriends have no secrets," says Benson. They knock on the door. It opens, and apparently one of the secrets is to never drop in unexpectedly on a teen model on her day off, because she'll come to the door looking like Briscoe. Wait -- it is Briscoe. Whew. Stabler and Benson say hello to him. Yay, Briscoe!!! And Detective Green. Hi, Dr. Greg. Everyone gets all tingly in the L & O Crossover Moment. I know I do. The SVUnitarians explain to Briscoe and Green that they were hoping to talk to Vanessa about the Tazmin Burgess case. "You missed her," says Dr. Green, and Briscoe explains that she was pulled out of a dumpster that morning. "Claw hammer? Early AM?" asks Stabler. "Yeah -- what, you've been reading my notes?" asks Briscoe. No, but someone's been reading your scripts, and they've been tearing out the courtroom scenes, and they've tacked on gratuitous opening scenes involving dead bodies in S & M gear, and -- oops, I guess that's called a "spin-off." Never mind. Anyway, they agree to compare leads. Stabler mentions that Vanessa was going to be their star witness. They all hang their heads and have a moment of collective L & O disappointment.

Next morning, the Stabler Than Thou household gathers for a nutritious breakfast. Light of His Life, Li'l Dickie and All of Them Have Hair of Gold Like Their Mother chatter away. The diligent folks at Closed Captioning grab at random quotes such as "All right guys, here you go!" "Hey, hey, what's that?" and "Bacon, bacon, bacon," before they give up and just type "[everyone talking at once]." The spread here includes bacon, sausage links, and patties. Okay, I'm thinking Stabler needs to come home more, because obviously someone is sleeping with Bob Evans. There's also eggs, pancakes, and a tall plastic tub which I guess must just be lard. Oh, wait, it's plain yogurt, and Teen Scene Maureen is listlessly sucking teeny spoonfuls of it. My old Baby Alive doll could eat at twice the rate she's going, for Christ's sake. Stabler notices her. "Is that all you're going to eat? Plain yogurt?" Teen Scene Maureen rolls her eyes and is all like, "Yeah-uh!" Stabler insists that she needs to eat more because it's a school day. He takes his fork and stacks a couple of sausage patties on her plate while she protests and rolls her eyes and looks down at the sausage like it's fried poo. "Dad…that's all saturated fat, and I'm not going to eat it," she says. Stabler tells her to humor him and razzes her until Light of His Life stands up and calls him aside. "Guys, you don't have to talk about me, I'm right here," mutters Teen Scene Maureen. "How long has she been doing this?" Stabler asks his wife. "The little anorexic-in-training routine? Weeks," says Light of His Life, who hints that he'd notice more if he came home a little. "I do the best I can," bitches Stabler. "I can't do it all alone," complains Light of His Life. Stabler agrees to come home more and sits back down at the table. "Maureen," he says to Teen Scene, "what do you say we talk about food. You know, nutrition." Teen Scene Maureen looks at him disdainfully: "No!" She rolls her eyes. Again. Maureen does more eye-rolling than an entire Chuck E. Cheese full of animatronic figures.

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Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

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