In a clearly not-what-it-appears-to-be opening, a man in the woods targets a woman with his rifle scope, as she seems to be on the run from someone. He says, "Prepare to die, bitch," and is about to squeeze the trigger, when a sudden splotch of paint on his left shoulder lets us know he's one of those guys who takes paintball way too seriously. He's checking in with his "head dork" or "squad leader" or whatever when he comes across a dead body. An actual dead body. And he practically craps his pants.
On scene, Warner tells Stabler and Benson that there are fluids in her panties. Blunt force trauma to the head. Her earlobes are bloodied, but one of the earrings was left behind -- a bejeweled beauty that goes for $5,000. Warner can't just know this; she has to sheepishly explain that her sister is a buyer for Sachs.
So the victim is Shelby Crawford. She's got elevated an blood-alcohol level and black latex wall paint with rust flakes in her hair. The paintball players all willingly gave DNA samples, and none of them match. Well, for sure. Judging from the guys I knew in college who were really into paintball (which, I must admit, can be kind of a rush), a good chunk of them would have been virgins.
Shelby's in the system, it turns out, for DUI. "Wrapped her Saab around a lamppost," says Warner. Saab, you say? I guess we're not starting the interviews in the projects this week.
Nope: we're over to Mumsy and Daddy Crawford's house on Park Avenue. Mom ("Lydia") tearfully says Shelby hadn't touched alcohol since the accident. Daddy floats the possibility that Shelby was lying to them. That's in between getting ready for a quadrille. We've got a dead debutante on our hands. Mom and Dad have some recent pictures, as in the night before, getting dressed up for some useless Silver and White ball. There's a picture of her and her two best friends, Anna and Claire, as well as a picture of Shelby with her boyfriend, Doug Walshen, who Lydia says is "Every mother's dream." Except in the picture, Shelby looks like she's passing a kidney stone, and Olivia points that out. Doug wouldn't do this, insists Dad: "He's from a good family." Mom's too busy crying about the thought of Doug at the ball right now, waiting for Shelby.
At the ball, Doug does an absolutely lousy job of pretending to be distraught over Shelby's death. "I worshipped her," he whines. Elliot asks if she worshipped him back, since in the picture it looks like "she's about to have a root canal." Bad mood, says Doug: "You know how girls get." Elliot asks if she's got her eyes on another one of "these penguins." No, of course not. So where were you last night, Doug? The Plaza. "Right where Shelby left me."