Law & Order

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LuluBates: B- | Grade It Now!

In the grand jury room, Will testifies to the same story that his father told. He says that he and his friends kicked the white boys off the basketball court, stole their ball, and chased them off. The white boys came back with bats and chased him and demanded their ball. Will fell, heard shots, and then his dad grabbed him and pulled him into the house. The two white kids tried to help their fallen comrade-in-gentrification, gave up, and ran towards the park. The ADA stops Will to ask, "The park? Or the playground." Will specifies the park. Central Park. Maybe you've heard of it?

The cops and the ADAs head back to the playground. They find the requisite clue they missed before: there is a fresh dent in the playground bench. (Can a dent be fresh? Is an old one stale? Whatever.) This could back up Will's story. Since the two boys live uptown, why did they run towards the park once they got into trouble? The cops surmise that they were running towards a car. The ADA thinks it's too complicated a scenario to be plausible. Green snorts, "Geez, you are new to this show." The ADA instructs them to find someone with a car who may have been with the boys that night.

At the white boys' prep school, the cops are getting the preppy version of the "no snitch" rule. After finally learning that one of the boys got a lot of red cards in his soccer matches, the cops grill the coach until he admits that the boy wasn't the problem; it was his mother, The Profiler. Apparently she liked to encourage him to stand up for himself and head-butt other players. Somehow this information is sufficient to get a search warrant for her car. The cops execute the warrant while interfering with the pretty white family's plans to head to their country house. They empty the car while The Profiler stands and squawks. They find three baseball bats wrapped in a garbage bag, and arrest The Profiler. Why do these people always hold onto the murder weapons? Gentle readers, do yourselves a favor and dispose of all murder weapons in a prompt and efficient manner. You will thank me later.

Back at the courthouse, The Profiler's attorney is demanding to know where in the penal code (Hee! "Penal"!) it states that possession of baseball bats is a crime. The ADA ignores the question and asserts that The Profiler took her car out of the garage at exactly the right time to carpool her boys up to the playground. The defense attorney points out that she was parked around the corner and didn't see anything, but the ADA doesn't care. She drove the boys to it. Literally.

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Law & Order




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