Life As We Know It
Pilot

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Pilot

Dino (a young, hot teenager) and his dad (a suddenly old and frumpy D.B. Sweeney) are having a milk-chugging contest in the kitchen before breakfast. As you do. Dino's mom walks in and scolds him, and then scolds her husband. Lesson learned: Dino's dad is kind of immature. And he has chocolate milk all over his face. Dino's extraneous younger brother cheers the boys on. Mom leaves, and the chugging immediately resumes, so obviously Mom is the bad cop and Dad is the never-a-cop. Dad wins the contest.

Dino, Ben, and Jonathan (hereafter, The Trio) walk to school, and we see my old friend the Space Needle in the background. Dino asks the others if they would rather sleep with Jonathan's mom or Jonathan's dad. Jonathan is upset that he has to pick, obviously not understanding that he should counter with a joke about Dino's mom. I'm not even a teenage boy and I know that. How about "Too bad your mom already slept with both of them!" The boys banter about the choices, and Jonathan still refuses to choose. Ben picks Jonathan's mom. Dino says that Jonathan has to choose, because those are the (completely arbitrary and non-enforceable) rules. Jonathan relents and says that he would obviously pick his mom, because his dad is a guy. Dino and Ben tease Jonathan about how gross it is to have sex with your mom. Jonathan takes it way too seriously. Ben and Dino start teasing Jonathan about his "fat girlfriend Deborah" and Jonathan protests that she's not his girlfriend.

The Trio arrives at school, and is greeted by glimpses of lots of female body parts. Ben voice-overs, "They say boys think about sex every fifteen seconds. I think about it every five seconds." Ben demonstrates what he means as the camera freezes on an assortment of female body parts: a boob here, a butt there. Ben speaks directly into the camera as he asks how you're supposed to go to school when you can only think of sex. He spots another hottie and introduces her as Miss Young, one of his teachers. Subtle name, there. Ben thinks she's too distracting, and never should have been hired.

The Trio pass Miss Young talking to Coach Scott, played by Martin Cummins from Dark Angel. I loved him on that! Jonathan gossips that the janitor saw the coach doing Miss Young in the A/V Room. Ben doesn't believe it. They check in with Dino, who has split off to go make out with his girlfriend, Jackie. Ben reminds us that Dino gets it whenever he wants it. Ben takes off, and Deborah (Kelly Osbourne) walks up as Jonathan gestures to Dino's and Jackie's make-out session, calling them "a couple of monkeys in the zoo." Deborah says saucily that she wouldn't mind and saunters off, as Jonathan chases her.

Jackie opens her locker. Dino hangs out and invites her over to his house, because no one will be home. Jackie agrees, as long as they just fool around and don't take it any further. Dino addresses the camera as everyone else freezes -- a frequent device on this show that I'm going to call freezetalking. Dino freezetalks that he can hook up whenever he wants, but that he wants his first time to be with Jackie. There's the added bonus that she's a virgin and "there's something about being the first guy there." Well, if they're fooling around, I bet he's already been there in some form, if you know what I'm saying. Dino explains that he loves the way that Jackie makes him feel, because she makes him feel important. I would get upset about the objectification of women and the prehistoric attitudes in that speech, but he's a teenaged boy, and I think it's pretty realistic. Jackie unfreezes and kisses Dino.

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Life As We Know It

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