Life As We Know It
Pilot Junior

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Pilot Junior

Ben fondles a bottle of vodka in a liquor store. An employee asks if he can help, and Ben claims that he's picking up some alcohol for his younger brother's twenty-first birthday party. Ben asks for a cheaper brand of vodka. The employee asks to see ID, and Ben hands it over. The employee stares at it.

Dino waits in a parking lot and then finally gets out of the car and walks into a food equipment supply store. When he enters the building, he spots his dad getting chewed out by a boss and looking miserable. His dad spots Dino and motions for one more minute, and then looks sad that Dino had to see that.

Jonathan goes online and types some search terms about his penis into a search engine. Oh, Google. The hypochondriac's biggest enabler. And I'm enough of a geek that I got upset that he used commas in between his search terms, which isn't necessary. Jonathan checks to make sure his parents aren't looking, and then clicks on a link from the results page and reads words like "clotting" and "rupture" and "cancer." He freezeyells, "Cancer? Penis cancer!" Jonathan's dad asks him to check on a baseball score and Jonathan abruptly yells that he has to go to the bathroom. Jonathan's parents exchange a look like, "Oh, our chronically masturbating son. That rascal." Ew.

Ben's ID must have passed muster, because he's paying for his liquor and making excuses about the picture on his ID. Miss Young walks in (is she stalking him?), and Ben worries that the jig is up, but she covers for him by saying that she thought he was still away at grad school. And then she hugs him. Inappropriate! On both counts. Miss Young talks to the clerk about how Ben is a big drinker. She snatches away his ID and calls him "Emilio." Ben looks constipated.

Jackie finishes soccer practice and tells someone that she's going over to Dino's that night. The other girl says she knows about the party and Jackie looks pissed. What is up with Jackie's hair? She's got it in two braids, and she's wearing a headband too. She's like a soccer-playing Pocahontas. Soccerhontas. ["Too bad Dino's not there to see it, since he's so desperate to Poke Her Hontas." -- Wing Chun] Other Friend comes over and says that she heard about the party. Jackie is pissed because she thought it was just going to be her and Dino tonight. Other Friend suggests that they go to a big party at the university instead, and Jackie agrees.

Dino hears his parents arguing and sneaks downstairs to eavesdrop. He hears his father saying that they can't go away this weekend because he has too much work to do. His mom says that this was the only weekend they could get the cabin. She spots Dino and assures him that it will be okay, and that they'll do something next weekend instead. She promises that it'll be fine. Dino walks off and freezetalks that he's heard his parents fight before, but now he feels like he's responsible for the success or failure of their marriage. That's healthy. Dino suddenly remembers about the party, which has to be cancelled since his parents are staying home, and runs out of the house.

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Life As We Know It

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