Life Unexpected
Bride Unbridled

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Bride Wars
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: One precocious illegitimate kid plus two moronic legitimate adults = this show.

Cate wakes up to another gray, drizzly morning. On any other day, it would just be Portland. Today, it's a pathetic fallacy! Truly pathetic. She rolls over to see a photo of her and Ryan in happier times and decides to embark upon a house-wide purge of all things that remind her of their relationship. After Cate boxes up all the bits and baubles of her busted loved, we cut to the radio show, where she's instructing a listener to take care of themselves -- 'cause sure as Hell no one else will. Ryan shoots her a sideways glance as she tells the caller to do something for herself. Ryan interjects that, if she doesn't, she's just a stone's throw away from strolling down the grocery stores aisles in "give-ups," a.k.a. sweat pants that scream to the world, "I give up." Cate says she (and Michelle Obama for guns' sake!) wears sweat pants. Ryan snipes that Baze wears them, too. It goes over the caller's head as she says at least Cate has Ryan on sweat pants days. Cate says she's re-christening her sweat pants "move-ons" because that's what she'll be doing in them from now on. She stops just short of announcing her and Ryan's split, instead saying she's "moving on" to the weather report. Oh boy... Ten bucks says she blows before episode's end. Cate asks if Ryan's going to keep being a snippy bitch and make things harder than they need to be. He's all, "I know you are, but what am I?! Pfffffft!" and walks out as the producer comes in to try to encourage them a bit about keeping the tension under wraps. Barely.

Baze's. Lux and Tasha have a phone-bitching session about their jerk boyfriends. Tasha's bf apparently "dry hump[ed] skateboarding tramp" behind her back. And since Bug still hasn't made contact, he could very well be doing the same, says Lux. Or lying dead in a ditch, counters Tasha! Very comforting. Tasha says Bug is a good guy at heart and will resurface eventually. Lux says she feels like everyone she cares for is disappearing. Tasha assures her she's there for her, but the three-hour trip between them begs to differ. Baze (in sweat pants!) approaches to break up the girl talk as Tasha asks what happened with Cate. Lux says Cate doesn't get it. Tasha asks what about Baze, and Lux looks up to see Baze making some weird mime motion. Apparently it means "driving lessons," but Lux is far too disaffected with life to be bothered by such trivialities. She also can't be bothered with school, which doesn't go over with Baze, who is legitimately trying this fathering thing on for size. The key word there is "trying." It becomes obvious as Baze heads across the room to moan about Lux's depressing teen attitude to Math. Math says Baze can't keep allowing Lux's truancy, but Baze says he doesn't want to push her too hard. Math argues that teens, specifically Lux, need pushing and that she'll never make friends who actually live within 50 miles if she doesn't attend school. Baze is baffled that someone in his gene pool can't make friends. He says she's pals with the beer delivery guy, Manuelo, and Math gives up trying to talk sense to him.

They hear a loud noise outside. Baze runs downstairs and finds Jones peering into the steaming hood of his jeep. He says he volunteered to bring Lux her homework and views her as a friend. Baze zeroes in on Jones's obvious soft spot for Lux and says he'll arrange for a mechanic to check out the SUV if Jones will do him a favor. Jones wonders what the favor might be. Cut to Lux dumbfounded that Jones has asked her on a date. She mocks him for inviting her to cheer him on at the Big Game before taking her to the malt shop to share a milkshake with two straws. He tells her not to hate on milkshakes. Amen, Brother Jones! She says they're inherently incompatible because he's Abercrombie (love that she called him that to his face, heh) and she's "foster freak bong girl." Jones sees her bong girl and raises her a story arc from She's All That. Dear God, please don't parade Usher up to Baze's to tell them to break into "that dance we practiced during lunch period." Shudder. At any rate, you've got to admire Jones' pluck. He persists with this date idea and promises her there will be no sporting events or milkshakes. She looks at him curiously.

Back at the station, Cate tells her producer that she loves her job -- particularly since it's all she has left -- but begs the producer to allow her to quit presenting herself as part of a happy couple with Ryan. The producer tells Cate that this is just one of a number of messes she's gotten herself into in the last month or two. And all of those messes have been potential pitfalls to their on-air popularity. She says the listeners are now digging "Cate and Ryan," so that's how they'll have to stay until further notice. Cate gives her a surly thumbs-up and starts rattling off all of the travesties that have befallen her of late. The producer tells her to buck up, having a breakdown is not an option. Cate says she'll be fine as long as she can hit pause on life for the weekend. Unfortunately, reminds the producer, that's not an option either because Cate and Ryan are slated to host a bridal expo that weekend. What's more, the expo is where the radio station is launching its new marketing campaign. At which point she pulls out a life-size cutout of Cate and Ryan on a wedding cake. "Remember," she warns her, "you love your job." Credits.

Bridal expo. Cate walks in with her producer. As you might expect, she's full of sunshine and kittens at the sight of all this wedding stuff -- which, honestly, she probably would have retched at before the break-up. She braces herself, saying it's only eight hours to get through. Ryan approaches her to tell her they're due at their first event. Cate steels herself with a glass of champagne. The good stuff, I'm sure.

Baze's. Jones arrives for his date with Lux... at 9 a.m. Before they even get out the door, Lux is flipping out and mumbling under her breath that Bug never picked her up for a date at nine in the morning.

Expo. An overly chipper bride-to-be is on stage recounting her proposal story when she found her ring in a pile of nachos and was serenaded by a mariachi band. Gross. With that to follow, Cate and Ryan approach the stage. Carrying a bouquet, she asks, "We can do this, right?" Ryan hisses, "If anybody can lie, it's you." Now it's up to them to tell their engagement story. Good times! They ease into their patter, making the audience oooh and ahhh, and it almost looks like they're reconsidering the break-up after all. Cate keeps it together and throws to the emcee.

Meanwhile, Jones drives Lux down a remote road as she gives him crap about being lost. She stops being a prick to notice that they have the exact same taste in music. In fact, they attended the same [insert obscure band name here] concert before they met. Lux steps out of the situation to snark that, if this were a romantic comedy, this would be the moment where they realized they were meant to be. Jones smiles hopefully. She squirms a bit -- but also seems a bit piqued.

Back at the loft, Math is astounded that Baze is actually encouraging Lux to go out on dates. Baze openly admits that he's trying to live out some "my daughter is dating the QB" fantasy he has from his own days in school. Well... at least the back of the jeep is too small for more similarities to his high school days, I guess. His phone buzzes and interrupts the conversation. Oddly, it's Ryan. Turns out, it's Lux's phone. Baze throws personal privacy to the wind and opens up the text, in which Ryan consoles her about MIA Bug and encourages her to give it a try with Jones. Uh oh, watch out for the chest pounding gorilla in our midst. He's charging towards us even as I type. So, yeah, Baze goes ballistic that Ryan is still interloping on his daddy territory. And that's before he reads down to see that Ryan has invited Lux to go car shopping with him the next wee

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