Life Unexpected

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Bug Out

Outside, Baze strolls in and sees Trina -- or as he calls her "Coffee Lady," sheesh he really is a third grader. She gives him a chilly reception, and he promises he's not stalking her but actually looking for Trina Campbell, who called him in to the station. She can't believe the coincidence. Just then, Cate and Ryan make their way to the lobby and protest Baze being involved in their show. Ryan thinks it'll just confuse matters worse, but Trina says on the contrary, Baze will guest host for a morning and clear up Cate's muddy personal past and present. Baze smiles dumbly, Cate looks like she just got punched in the gut, and Ryan weighs the pain of slitting his own wrists versus the jail time for Bobbiting Baze. Commercials.

The next morning, Baze sits inside the sound booth doing his best South Park knock-off voice to mock Cate using one of the million dolls sitting on the desk. Cate comes in, all business, still agog that he's going through with this. Baze says Trina's agreed to let him promote his bar on-air. Since she's scratching his back, he'll be happy to scratch hers. Yes, that was clumsy innuendo. Ryan enters the room, and the show begins. Ryan gives a palpably lackluster introduction (though "the mystery man in the minivan" does have a certain ring to it) as Baze breaks in to pimp his bar. As soon as Baze opens up his mouth, you can tell this man thinks he's the second coming of Howard Stern. This could be very bad. Hopefully there are ambiguously impaired midget porn stars to fill the dead air.

Meanwhile, Bug has arrived to take Lux to school. She tries to lighten the mood by talking about Baze's one-day radio gig, but Bug gets down to the nitty gritty, asking what happened with Jones. Lux wanly says he agreed to drop the charges. So wanly, in fact, that Bug knows there's a "but." She tells him about the motorcycle hand-over, and Bug immediately says "Screw that!" Lux spouts off the same bullshit Jones fed her about him having to choose between his bike and their relationship. Bug looks a little broken at the prospect of having to give up his most valuable possession, then snarks that Jones probably doesn't even know how to ride. He and Lux kiss at their freedom. I have seven words for you, my friend -- "Wait six months. Steal that shit back." And maybe two more: "Fuck Jones."

Back at the station, Ryan reluctantly carries on his little biographical interview of Baze's life up to now. Baze throws in as many barbs at Cate as he can before she cuts in. Which, to be fair, is probably a wise move. Baze saying what a shrew she is probably won't up her likability pie. She tries to remind everyone that he ambushed her on air with news that she had a 16-year-old daughter out in the parking lot. Baze counters that Cate is a "human ambush" and she ambushes "on autopilot like an ambush ninja." He tries to get an amen from Ryan, who stays miserably mum. All Cate can respond, and rightly, is, "That doesn't even make sense!" But Baze's riff won't be stopped. On the upside, the phone lines are ringing off the hook.

Over at Westmonte, Lux hands the motorcycle keys over to Jones and declares them even.

Back at the station, a caller asks whether Cate and Baze dated in high school. Baze puffs up his chest and talks about how popular he was. Cate, he snarks, was best friends with a dictionary and went to prom with a thesaurus. Ryan shoots back, "Really? And who'd you go with? Herpes simplex 2?" Baze says Cate wasn't his type. She says it's because she had a brain. And then Baze's likability pie chart shrinks markedly as he refers to Cate as a "bookworm virgin in a padded bra." That was way harsh, Baze. The producer gives them the thumbs-up as Ryan again considers the best use for a straight-edge razor blade.

Over at the school, Lux comes upon Jones pathetically trying to fire up Bug's bike. He asks her for a hand starting it up, meriting a surly response. He assures her he told his dad he wouldn't testify and claims that he's not the bad guy in this situation. Lux trudges over to the bike, hops on, and starts the engine. She tells Jones to get on the back so she can show him something.

Radio station. Ryan tries to stick to a script of Leno-esque riffs on Cate and Baze's strange relationship. And he fails. Because Cate's had enough. She jumps down Baze's throat, telling him they didn't hang out in high school because he was afraid that she could see right through his popular jock act. Baze snarks that the only thing he was afraid of was her head gear. Cate says Baze is deflecting the real issues with juvenile humor. As they start to get into it, Ryan interrupts to take a call. The caller says he agrees with Cate and suggests Baze might be sexually frustrated. Baze quickly recognizes the voice as that of TOO. Cate takes another call, who says this is the best show ever on account of Cate and Baze's "crazy chemistry." She says she can't believe they left off in high school and asks if they're sure they haven't hooked up since then. Major awkward silence. And Cate covers really badly, like when someone in junior high asked if you had a crush on Bobby Jacobsen, and you were all, "Nooooooooo!" Ryan picks up the pretext, even as Baze corroborates Cate's denial. Reaction shots all around. And here's the dead air to which I earlier referred. Bring on the freaks! Commercials.

When we return, Ryan has stormed out of the booth. Cate runs after him and asks him to talk. Ryan begins a holy tirade (that's completely justified), marked by just the amount of self-control and about-to-bubble-over rage from someone in his situation. He says he thought Baze was the moron, but now he's realized it's been him all along. He cites Cate's shitty response to his marriage proposal, his welcoming of Lux into his life, and his tolerance of Baze. But he will not accept Baze screwing with his career. Cate claims she doesn't want Baze there either. Ryan counters that she's the reason Baze is there in the first place. He says she's fixated so much over Baze in the last few weeks that their listeners don't know what to make of "Cate and Ryan" anymore. And neither does he. Cate asks what Ryan's implying. Ryan says he thinks Cate has feelings for Baze, and he calls her out for being a terrible liar about hooking up with Baze past high school. Cate adamantly denies that anything happened between them and asks if he believes her. He says he doesn't know what to believe anymore.

Elsewhere, Lux takes Jones to the dilapidated house where Bug grew up. She walks him around the property, telling him Bug's dad's in jail, that his mom OD'd when Bug was just nine years old and generally looked the other way while Bug's dad beat him up regularly. Eventually Child Protective Services took him away. Jones wonders why Bug would want to keep the bike if his dad was so terrible. Lux explains it by way of her own personal story about a locket that she protected fiercely even though it was a cheap trinket given to her by a foster parent she hated. She said that she held onto it because it was better than having nothing. Jones takes her point. He says Bug can have the motorcycle back. She can't believe Jones would do that for Bug. He says it's not just for Bug. He assures her that Bug doesn't have nothing -- he has Lux. She smiles, which Jones unfortunately takes as a cue to kiss her. She recoils and reminds him that her relationship was the whole point of this effed-up little exchange. Jones backs down, and Lux tells him they should just go back to school.

Meanwhile, Baze welcomes Trina into his loft. She totters around, having had a few downstairs and says how completely wrong for her he is while he prepares the place for seduction. Which is tantamount to closing some doors and confirming all of her criticisms of his lifestyle. They start making out furiously. The door bell rings. Thinking it's his beer delivery, he sends TOO down to answer it. Trina rips off his shirt, and he straddles her on the pool table. The doors to the pool room open. As was obvious from the moment the buzzer rang, it's not the beer man at all. Nope, it's Cate. She covers her mouth in horror and runs off. Baze runs after her, leaving Trina the trick splayed on the pool table. Downstairs, Cate says she feels assaulted by walking in on Baze all over her boss. He wonders what the big deal is, and she takes a turn for the telling, saying she thought sex was supposed to mean something. His Trina humpage clearly refutes that. Baze points out that it was she who said their one-night stand was meaningless. He asks "Which is it, Cate? When you and I did it, did it mean something or not?" She tells him she's in love with Ryan. She came to ask Baze to back up since Ryan's on to them. Baze tells Cate to buck up and come clean to Ryan. She points out that Baze isn't exactly a stand-up, all-around honest guy himself. He says at least he's not lying to his fiancé every day. She restates that Ryan wants less of Baze in their lives, adding that she does too before storming out the door. Baze looks incredibly hurt. More than he should be, really.

Over at Cate's, Bug is waiting on the steps as Lux and Jones pull up on his motorcycle. He takes the sight predictably badly, getting all up in Jones's face for stealing his bike and his girl. Lux tells him to calm down because he's getting his bike back. Bug thinks it's all a joke. He accuses her of using their relationship against him when she really wanted to be with Jones all along. She insists she doesn't, so he asks where she's been. Not wanting to tell him the truth, she weakly says they just drove around. Wow, if she didn't want to make it sound like she whored herself ou

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Life Unexpected

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