Life Unexpected

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Teenage Mutant(s). Ninja Turtles.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Seriously? How many times do I need to tell you that Lux is the bastard child of high schoolers, who're all grown up? Also, she spilled the beans on her mom Cate, who's secretly engaged to her radio co-host Ryan. And then there's Baze. In a nutshell, his dad sucks. Which may or may not be the cause of his slacker approach toward life. TBD.

Good morning, Portland! Or afternoon, I guess. Hard to tell in that dismal Northwest weather. Lux exits school en route to her boyfriend Bug's motorcycle. On the way out, she must pass by the Mean Girls she embarrassed by selling a counterfeit collectible bong lamp. Yes, Baze had much to do with this. As if you couldn't guess. Mean Girl Beta, who bought said counterfeit bong lamp, actually calls her "foster freak." Really? Would anyone, even in high school, do that these days? I mean really. It's not exactly something she had a choice in, now was it? Then again, gingers are inherently funny and fun to kick, so there's that. (P.S. I'm just kidding, ginges! Please don't descend on me en masse!) Lux reaches Bug, who tells her not to worry about those jerks. Lux can't even get in a yea or nay before they circle back around like hyenas, talking about some party they're planning and making a point to swivel around to make sure Lux knows she's not invited. Bug shoots back loudly, "You're right, Lux. Her ass is way bigger than her mouth!" Heh.

While Lux chews Bug out for making her life that much worse, Jones (the infamous man who inspired this whole kerfluffle) moseys over and compliments Bug's bike. Lux apologizes about the whole bong lamp imbroglio, but Jones says it worked in his favor -- MGB felt so bad that she offered to throw his birthday party at her house. MGB comes over and paws Jones possessively, beckoning him to come with her as she sees her parents off to the airport. He good-naturedly goes along. At which point I wonder whether Lux will develop an unlikely new friend or find herself in the clutches of a rape-y quarterback like some embarrassing V.C. Andrews novel. But I digress... Bug again tells Lux to forget about the Mean Girls because Tasha and he are planning a surprise for her. They'll unveil it the next night.

That night, Lux refs a churro eating contest between Baze, Math, and The Other One. Turns out they've been scarfing down fried Twinkies, fried Snickers, even fried butter. Now that is my kind of night on the town. Not so much for Math, who wonders why they're reenacting that offensive -- to me at least -- commercial that compares eating too much junk food to being a rampant alcoholic. (Apologies if this commercial only airs in public health option-carrying Canada. But let me tell you it is not cool. Too far, Canada. Too far.) Baze says he's looking for ideas to make the bar into an event venue so he can make as much cash as he did at Cate and Ryan's Drink-a-Date event. He tells the guys he wants 10 "jackpot not crackpot" ideas by the end of the night. It's a toss-up whether they hear him, though, as they are scurrying to the Port-a-Johns. Baze notices that Lux is moping all over her candy apple and asks if she wants to skip their air hockey game and leave. She says the longer she stays, the longer it is until tomorrow. He picks up on her continued bullying at the hands of the Mean Girls. She says the only person who's been nice to her is "just some jock" named Jones. Baze points out that "Just Some Jock" is technically his middle name. He tells her befriending Jones will make her life easier. She asks if they would have been friends if she'd been in high school with him. Instead of pointing out that she's an uptight drone like Cate and that he only hung out with her once (and we all know the results of that), he dodges the question, making fun of her victory dance when she wins air hockey. She tells him she'll stop dancing when he stops losing. Good girl, keep 'em coming.

When Lux arrives home after midnight, Cate is still up waiting for her. She hassles her for not calling. Lux thinks it should be fine since she was with Baze, but Cate begs to differ on points twofold: 1.) Baze is an imbecile and 2.) This is the third night in a row she's been out late. Cate wonders what she was doing. Lux says they had fun. Cate dimwittedly wonders if it's as fun as when they go shopping for handbags, which she should know better is not Lux's idea of fun. Lux avoids the truth by saying she's going to bed, but Cate still feels the pangs of insecurity about losing out to Baze in the "fun parent" category.

The next morning, Cate and Ryan field on-air questions about their relationship. Ryan shares an inappropriate anecdote about drunk-Cate, so she throws a water bottle at him and he covers with a sweet story about how he knew she was the one on their first date. He tosses over to Cate who, apropos of nothing, starts bitching about how un-fun parenting is. Her producer naturally freaks because theirs is not a show about kids. She takes her outside to tell her to stop talking about dating and parenthood and "baby daddy drama." She harshly equates Cate's boring, grown-up dilemmas to talking about cancer. Before sending Cate back into the sound booth, she snits about how she's had a crappy birthday -- read: You forgot my birthday, hag. Cate insists she didn't forget and totally got her something. Then she suggests they have a girls' night out featuring "zany, slutty, boozy" Cate. Which is, I think, the opposite of getting something. It's just the first totally uncreative idea, centered on yourself(!), that popped into your mind in the last 0.2 seconds. Nice save, Forgetful Jones! Gah.

Back at Westmonte, Mean Girl Alpha warns Lux to keep Bug from talking to her. "I felt sexually objectified," she snots. Lux doesn't miss a beat: "You're wearing pants that say 'JUICY' on the ass." Ha! MGA's pom poms shiver with anger as MGB tells Jones that her parents' flight was cancelled. And thus, so is his birthday party. MGA takes this golden opportunity to shoot another poisoned arrow at Lux, saying they should have the party at Lux's -- if Juvie doesn't lock down after dark. Lux boomerangs it back, offering up Baze's loft for the party. She and Jones pound it out, and the Mean Girls shoot daggers at her with their eyes.

Across town, the guys report their event ideas to Baze. Math proposes a turtle racing contest, while The Other One really jumps out of the box and suggests a wet T-shirt contest. Seriously? That took all night? Yeesh, they're worse than I thought. Baze reminds TOO that it's not in his best interest as a new, state-mandated dad to have titties flapping around the bar where his underage daughter might drop in any second. The guy comes back with something called "Freedom Thursday" where guys can escape their harpy girlfriends to watch football and drink beer. Not exactly reinventing the wheel -- and I might add not exactly so much an event as, well, as a BAR -- but Baze digs it. The only hitch? He needs to buy a bunch of flat-screen TVs, and those things aren't exactly cheap. Turtle racing it is!

The door buzzes, so Baze heads downstairs. He finds his father and hands him the rent two weeks early. He assures him the bar is all set now because of his "new business plan." At which point he pulls out a teeny piece of paper, uncrumples it, and hands it over to Daddy Bazebucks. "Events!" he announces proudly. Daddy Bazebucks resists the urge to laugh at the minuscule piece of paper (on which "EVENTS" is probably the only thing that will fit). He asks what kind of events. Quoth Baze, "Turtle racing," like it's the fucking Gutenberg printing press. Before Daddy Bazebucks can unleash his righteous rage at this idea, Lux barrels in and asks if she can invite some friends over to the loft later. Baze recognizes immediately that it's Jones and smilingly approves her request. Lux scampers off, leaving Daddy Bazebucks to chastise Baze for not asking more questions about Lux

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Life Unexpected

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