Lights Out

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Couch Baron: B- | Grade It Now!
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Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

In front of the Leary mansion, Mikey Fumbles, or The Only Boxing Reporter In The Tri-State Area, is broadcasting a live (as if) report in which he tells us that police are still searching for the unknown assailant that stabbed Patrick. And seriously, I know the show has a real selective memory, but Patrick, since the show started, has been arrested on suspicion of a brutal assault, rumored to participate in cage fighting with illegal gambling tied in, and now stabbed under shady circumstances. How exactly is he still being promoted as the "good guy" here? Speaking of he whose heart is so pure, he's lying on the couch convalescing, and as Fumbles continues that the attack took place two nights earlier and involved "a homeless man," Patrick tells Stacy Keach via the telephone that it's a minor wound and only required a couple of stitches, so with Patrick's historically epic lying tendencies I'd guess the doctors had to remove an entire chunk of his side and possibly his spleen along with it. I will give credit to the makeup department, as Patrick kind of looks like shit, and I'd doubt Barry K. entering with a bunch of balloons is going to help, even without seeing the "Fan-TASTIC" look on Patrick's face. Katie, however, is a cheap date, so she oohs and ahs over the balloons as even Daniella looks thrilled, like, if you were going to turn your "He could DIEEEEEEE" frowny-faced attitude toward anyone, I'd expect it to be Barry K. Word. Character inconsistencies aside, though, Theresa leads the girls out away from Barry hamming it up for their benefit, but after they're gone, things get real as Patrick tells him he'll be back to training in a month, to which Barry is like, "Your fight is booked for two months from now, moron." He adds that if they postpone now, they're looking at a half a million dollars in penalties, so if Patrick doesn't fight, someone else will. I would imagine it's not quite that simple, as the network surely has to feel that Patrick's replacement is comparable in terms of draw, but I certainly wouldn't expect Barry to step on his own argument here. Indicating the fruit bowl on the table, he grandly tells Patrick that he should eat some grapes. "They've got Vitamin E and flavonoids! Good for healing." You guys, I don't know what I'd do without Barry. And considering that Patrick apparently knows fuck-all about nutrition, the advice is probably not without use. When Barry's gone, Patrick pops a pill in frustration, which is a very dramatic way to go to opening credits.

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Lights Out

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