Lights Out

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Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Rain Of Terror

We get an underwater shot of Patrick floating face-down with his arms splayed out, like, I'm going to assume this isn't meant to be Christ imagery, because if it were I would be forced to lay waste to this entire show, and then, with a splash, Katie jumps into frame. Patrick picks her up out of the water, and we see the family is in the Leary pool enjoying some loose water volleyball and other such fun, like, I'm so glad we're getting such a gritty depiction of what happens when you blow through twelve million dollars in five years, you know? Real cautionary tale they're telling here. At poolside, we see Ava waxing rhapsodic about England and how they play croquet over there, and while that's probably not true anymore, she still continues to be the most realistically written character on the entire show. If that sounds like a backhanded compliment, you're following along nicely. After a close-up of many dead cows on the grill, we learn that Stacy Keach has returned by way of him giving Patrick some backseat grilling advice, which also rings truer than most things on this show. Stacy Keach then asks Patrick how his wound is healing, and Patrick gives one of his infuriating answers with "Better every day," like, THAT'S HOW HEALING WORKS, doofus. I mean, it's true that that's better than "worse every day," but it's reasonable to assume he was asking for a bit more specific an answer than that, especially with the upcoming FIGHT and all. Theresa appears, and Patrick, cluelessly condescendingly, says that it's nice to see her in a good mood, but Theresa, presumably still a bit upset about his terrifically inattentive performance at her graduation, tells him that everyone's there, "so let's just try and get through the day." It's not delivered with near as much snittery as it might be, but Patrick's enthusiasm for grilling still looks like it deflates a little bit...

...but nevertheless, soon dinner is ready, and when Johnny hands Patrick a beer, Stacy Keach nixes it, saying they start training in a week. And I guess it's good Patrick got that extension, but didn't he cast severe doubt on just how injured he was by getting into a street brawl that was captured on camera? Patrick whines that it's the Fourth of July, opining that not to have a beer would be "un-American," and then Dylan screws up all my stereotyping innuendo from last week by eagerly piping up that he'll take it. Heh. I think I kind of love that kid. Patrick seriously allows Dylan to have a beer (a sip seems fine; a whole beer seems like a lot), and then, after screening a call from Brent for Ava, Katie asks when the fireworks are, leading Ava to evangelize about Guy Fawkes Day and suggest that they make a family trip to England. Theresa looks uncomfortable, but she needn't worry, because they don't have time for it this season and no WAY is this show getting renewed. Bright side! Ava goes on about British boarding schools and an August Shakespeare seminar in Stratford, and if we were to ignore that these people still are supposed to have NO MONEY and haven't learned one lesson from it, I'd applaud Ava's attitude as worthwhile, even if it's rooted in the fact that she likes a British guy, as the family is quick to call her on. Ava sucks it up and says she did meet a guy, "Ralph" (she pronounces it the English way, "Rafe"), who comes from a really good family and is going to Oxford or Cambridge for law, and the family gives her shit about how he can come over and get a lesson from Patrick so he can be "the Boxing Barrister." Ava takes the joke well, but the conversation comes to a positively screeching halt when Dylan asks if she met "Aunt Theresa's" family. Like, if this were a reality show I'd bet good money on a cymbal crash or needle scratch on the soundtrack. After an exquisitely awkward pause, Stacy Keach rescues everyone else by telling Dylan that they are Theresa's family, which leads Johnny to start singing "God Bless America" and Patrick to chant "U.S.A.!" With this bit of patriotic fervor having deflected discussion of Theresa's incubus of a father...

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