Line of Fire
Best Laid Plans

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Jessica: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Best Laid Plans

After a really long "previously," which manages to explain who every single character on this show is, and what his or her motivation is, and where they each went to college and what color their underwear is, we get....

...Donovan and Jada in a restaurant. Donovan plays with their adorable baby as an African-American man looks at them. Donovan glares at this guy, ignoring Jada as she tries to talk to him about...you know, married people stuff. (What do I know? I'm just a single girl.)

Outside, Jada fiddles with the car seat, but Donovan isn't helping her with it because he's too busy staring at Staring Guy. And then Donovan gets in Staring Guy's face, and the next thing you know, they're shoving each other. "Stubbin, just calm down," Jada advises, like who is he, Agent Mulder, that she's calling him by his last name? Anyway, there's yet more shoving, and then there's some punching, and Staring Guy goes down, and Jada throws her hands up in the air and asks her husband if he's lost his ever-loving mind. And Donovan turns to her and says (and I apologize in advance for what I am about to type, but I feel like a direct quote is called for in this instance), "Hey, Jada, don't go all nigger on my ass." And Jada and I both gasp, and her head just whips around and she shoots him the most quintessential "Oh, no he diiiiii'n't" look any of us have ever seen. And can I just take a moment to say that I cannot believe that got past Standards & Practices? Because that's not the first time we're going to hear the "n"-word tonight. Just warning you.

Cut to Roy's. He's watching TV and thinking about what a shitty undercover agent he is and counting the days he's got left to live before he blows his cover and gets whacked. There's a knock on the door. Why, it's Donovan! He needs a place to crash.

Across town, Malloy is at a christening party full of Janet's relatives, looking completely miserable. Janet plays with the baby of the hour, as her husband shovels nuts in his gaping maw and thinks about shooting himself. I have to tell you, this party does resemble some of the more painful extended family gatherings I've had to attend myself, so I sympathize. In the background, Janet makes Mommy Faces at the child, and then forces the baby to wave at Malloy. He waves back at the kid very dryly. It's fairly funny.

So, Malloy goes in the kitchen, where he finds a redhead drinking beer. He helps himself to one, desperately. Oh, brother. I hear that. There's a reason my dad always gives me an extra finger of booze in my eggnog at family gatherings. "Can you believe we're related to this people?" asks the redhead. Malloy points out that he married into this family, but that Redhead had the fortune to be born into it. In the span of, like, twenty seconds, we learn that her name is Tiffany, she's Janet's cousin, she's twenty-one, and she's unemployed. Exposition, whee! Malloy takes a seat across from the winsome Tiffany and announces that he's got tons of twenty-one-year-old girls working for him. At his "gentleman's club." Tiffany thinks this means "strip club." Malloy explains that it actually means "whorehouse." Tiffany wrinkles her nose. "Hookers? Gross," she squirms. "'Gross'?" Malloy asks. Tiffany squeals that it's demeaning. Malloy counters that cleaning toilets is demeaning. I don't know about that. Someone has to clean the toilets. Everyone appreciates a nice clean toilet. It's an honest day's work. You can tell people about it. I imagine that it might not be as easy to say that you take money from men and then let them stick it in you. So to speak. Tiffany, though, is not impressed by the whorehouse idea. Malloy shrugs that, if it's not her thing, it's not her thing. "I'm not a prude or nothing. I just have self-respect," Tiffany explains. Self-respect, but not even a rudimentary grasp of English grammar, I see. She also points out that whoring is unsafe and illegal. Malloy informs her that his employees have never gotten arrested, nor the clap. "The only thing they've gotten is rich," he says. Enter Janet. She wants Malloy to do something to the baby, or something -- I don't know, my phone rang -- and then tells Malloy to give Tiffany a job. She leaves, just in time for Tiffany to sing the word "rich?" Oh, Tiffany.

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Line of Fire

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