Line of Fire
Pilot

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Jessica: C- | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

Anyhoo, Malloy comes out of the woods and heads towards a car, where yet another old white flunky is waiting for him, as is his wife -- a woman who actually got the "and So and So as" credit in the credits despite the fact that she has literally, like, two words in this episode. She's no "Heather Locklear as Amanda Woodward," is all I'm saying. She pretends Malloy was just peeing in the woods. He pretends he was just peeing in the woods. I pretend I'm still recapping The X-Files, because that would mean that half of the people in this cast would end up as alien food. Flunky tells Malloy that "Bert Summers killed Charlie." And Charlie killed Bert Summers. "Charlie killed a Fed?" Malloy asks, and then announces that they "need to keep things cool." Because they "may be at war, here." He says this with the passion and urgency of a man who can't find his stapler.

As the credits begin to roll -- and I hate it when there's no actual credit sequence, because credit sequences equal rest for a recapper's tired hands -- a helicopter drops off a total Hey! It's That Guy! in the form of one FBI Director Thomas Shell. Lisa meets him at the airstrip, but he doesn't bother to shake her hand or even get off his cell phone to greet her. Instead, they climb into a car together and speed off.

Split screen to some guy sitting in front of a prison in his own sweet ride. The title card tells me that he's "Donovan Stubbin, Lieutenant, Malloy Crime Syndicate." The song playing on his car radio sounds like the haunting and beautiful tune "Come On Down To Omeletteville," as sung by Justin Timberlake during his most recent stint on Saturday Night Live. Next thing you know, the hot guy from Crossroads comes loping out of the prison gates. The title card tells me that his name here is Roy Ravelle. Time served? Two years, five months for aggravated assault. Let me just say here that I would not be at all aggravated, were he to assault me. Roy and Donovan hug and chat, and it sounds like they were in the joint together. While they shoot the shit about Roy's sneakers, the hot babe in the back seat makes eyes at Roy, and he takes a moment to make I've Been In The Joint for Two Years noises at her. Aw, how sweet to bring him a whore. And her name is Bambi. (Her name is Bambi?) Anyway, has Donovan talked to Malloy about getting Roy a job, Roy wonders? Donovan has. Business out of the way, Roy turns to Bambi and wonders if she's ever made love to man five minutes out of the joint. Oh, please. Who hasn't? Well, it turns out that Bambi hasn't, but she has been to jail twice. "It wasn't so bad," she says as she unzips his jeans. "You're really cute," she says. Donovan smiles and drives off as Bambi gets to work.

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Line of Fire

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