Looks like Page Six couldn't improve on "Tsunami for Bad Mommy": they run the headline, and the photo, from Janice the very day Wendy is scheduled to speak at a Women in Media luncheon. Hoping for some mother-daughter bonding time, Wendy brings Maddie along to the luncheon, which turns out to be a bad call: a pushy manager/mom at the Healys' table suggests that Maddie is being used for publicity. Maddie storms out in a huff. And Janice watches the whole thing with a sneer. Can you blame a certain Mommy for writing "BITCH" across the back of Janice's white fur, in red lipstick? Wendy and Maddie patch things up, but it's Nico who truly saves the day, forcing Janice to back off by commissioning a retaliatory tell-all book from Janice's assistant.
Nico could use some saving herself: she tries to cool it with Kirby, (finally) realizing the dangers of indiscretion. In the process, she manages to get Kirby fired from his assistant gig -- but he doesn't want the money she offers to help him stay afloat. Instead, he goes to her company alleging sexual harassment. We have reason to believe that Mike Harness, Nico's #1 rival, is behind this big surprise.
Victory may or may not have broken up with Joe this week. On the one hand, he did sweep her away to Paris, where he banged her in Coco Chanel's old digs. But on the other hand, he met Wendy and Nico and didn't fall instantly in love or petition to be admitted to their midmorning shopping trips. So he obviously doesn't really get Victory's world. He says he just doesn't like small talk; she thinks she wants a relationship that's more than just a spectacular highlights reel. Will she and Joe stay together? Who knows, but I hope Victory hangs on to Roy, her eager and competent new assistant. He looks like he could kick Reese's ass.
Previously: Kirby sweet-talked Nico, making her question her husband's devotion; Nico told off misogynist coworker Mike a bit too dramatically; Victory sniffled about needing to be "saved," prompting Joe to respond, "What makes you think I'm saving you?" (The impact of that line is here blunted by a sloppy edit that has Sal, Wendy's colleague, talking over it as he breaks the news about former nanny Mariska's tell-all book.) In the wake of this, Shane insisted that Wendy is a "wonderful mother"; and, finally, Janice sent a photo of Wendy brushing away a tear to Page Six.
Nico is smiling in her sleep, because she's having a sexy dream about Kirby -- she even includes that nonsense with the fruit, God bless her -- until her husband wakes her up. Did you hear that? He called her "Nicki"! Does that mean I don't have to call her "Nico," either? Because it sounds so dumb it hurts to type it. Anyway, since she's in the mood, Nico/Nicki decides to try loving the one she's with, but Charles blows her off: "I've already showered." Aw, we don't have to use the fruit this time! It was just an idea! Then Charles tosses a newspaper onto Nico's chest, saying, "I thought you might want to read this." Are they publishing erotica in the newspaper now? Because that's all Nico wants to read at the moment. Instead she finds, on a full-color layout that looks like the Post's Page Six (do they print that in color? I try never to open the Post), the photo of Wendy crying beneath the ridiculous headline suggested by Janice, "Tsunami for Bad Mommy!" It doesn't sound any cleverer this time around. (Also, in today's installment of "Prop Department Corner-Cutting," a freeze-frame reveals that the bulk of this story about Wendy is actually copied-and-pasted from this MSNBC article about Anne Heche.)
At the Healy family breakfast table, Maddie reads aloud from the story: "...Studio chief begged superstar publisher Janice Lasher not to release wicked novel by former nanny." "Wicked"? Really? And what happened to the articles in that sentence? Wendy wants to talk about something else, so Shane innocently inquires about how school is going. Maddie sasses that it's been fine, but now? "I guess it depends on how many kids read that paper." (Maddie has an aversion to proper nouns.) Wendy begins, "If anyone teases you..." and Maddie, now in a full-on bratty teen mood, uses this as an excuse to bring up her main grievance, which is her mother's refusal to let Maddie have a cell phone. "Everyone in my class has one!" Maddie snits. But not at school, right? Because they're banned in New York City schools. Wendy doesn't seem to know that she has the law on her side. Instead, she starts in about how it's not her problem if other parents "want to spoil their children." Maddie finds this hypocritical, considering the many privileges in which her mother allows her to indulge. One of the circumstances she cites is, "We live in New York!," which is sort of ridiculous, because a lot of not-rich people live in New York. Believe it or not. If she'd said, "We live in Manhattan in an apartment that could double as a piano showroom," then she'd have a point. But still, Maddie has pinpointed a weakness in her mother's argument, and her big finish cuts to the bone: "You can't pick and choose when you want to be a good mother, okay? It's really, really phony." Ha, phone-y! Get it?