Living Lohan

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Angel Cohn: C- | Grade It Now!
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We Don't Need No Water

Lady Lola is still in a comatose state after watching last week's tedious episode, I'm filling in tonight -- God willing, she'll be revived in time for next Sunday's episode, because my brain cells just can't take it.

Longest "previously ons" ever. They are replaying the entire "confrontation" between Ali and Jeremy. That's just a sign to me that they don't have enough to fill up an entire reality series with the boring members of the Lohan clan. I just found out this week that there is another brother, Michael. He's like 20, and was smart enough say that he didn't want to appear on mommy dearest's little pet project. He is now my favorite Lohan. Actually, I also just found out that Lindsay may be a lesbian, or at least bi-curious, and that makes her so much more interesting than she had been. I'd say it is a dead heat between Michael and Lindsay for my Lohan love at the moment. Cody, Grams, Dina and Ali don't even make a blip on my radar.

Picking up where we left off, Ali's pouting and storming down the stairs and Jeremy leaves the house. Wah. I'm so angry. Ali's upset that Jeremy was using her or whatever because he wanted to marry her sister, and now she's shedding a fake tear. And messing up her goo gobs of mascara. Now she apparently only trusts her family. Jeremy, out shooting hoops in the yard, has not gotten this message. He's hanging around like a lame-o loser. He talking heads that Ali's in "drama mode" and of course he wasn't using her to get to Lindsay. Yeah, right. I so believe you ugly music dude. Go back to babysitting. You make my whole home state look bad.

Then Dina wants a recap from Ali about her confab with Jeremy. Tells Ali to suck it up and to explain to Jeremy that the Lohan clan has been "really hurt" by the tabs. Hurt, helped... you make the call. Dina talking heads that Jeremy needs to learn the ropes and learn how not to let the tabloids manipulate him. She should know. Make those trashy rags work for you, young Jedi...Yoda can teach you the way. Dina and Ali are going to give him an education. Good fucking lord. This is the most boring show in existence.

The Lohan ladies, and Alexis, are sitting around the kitchen table reading their horoscopes. A pleasant change from scanning Page Six. Then Jeremy walks into the house. What, does no one knock in this neighborhood? Please tell me that this is at least a gated house and there was someone to keep strange music wannabes out. Dina says straight out, "Jeremy, what happened with you guys?" Ali gets all girly embarrassed and says she'll take him upstairs and give him a talking to. Oh! I am so dense. I just figured this whole thing out. Ali likes him. That's why she was so upset that he was all about tapping her sisters' ass. She wants him for herself. He's probably her first crush. Of course this is all speculation, but I was once a 14-year-old girl (back in the dark ages). I can see the signs.

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Living Lohan

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