Seriously guys, in addition to the high-octane suckitude that is Living Lohan itself, one of the major hazards of watching this show is the fact that I have to watch Denise Richards pole dancing in the minutes before LiLo even begins. But enough self-pity...On with the show!
We open on that bastion of suburbia and normality that is North Merrick, New York. And you know what? It may actually be all that and more, but -- for reals -- we're watching a show about Dina Lohan, so let's just call a spade a spade, mmmkay? Dina-saur prepares for a photo shoot with Animal Fair magazine. She explains in an interview that the LoHos just loooove animals. Cody tries to get out of opening the door, but Dina-saur claims Ali's "busy" -- by which she means she doesn't have any makeup on. And since there's not a speck of publicity that any Lohan has ever met and ignored, Cody ultimately lets in the magazine folks.
In a purely expository VO, Dina explains Cody's main problem is that he's surrounded by women. As she does so, Cody talks to his older brother, Michael Sr., and I really did try to pay attention, but I'm too busy figuring how Ali manages to pile that much lip gloss on without it just giving up and dripping off...
Meanwhile, enter Wendy Diamond, Editor-in-Chief of Animal Fair -- and herself no stranger to reality television. The photographer takes pictures of Ali and Dina-saur while Wendy lobs softballs at them, asking Dina-saur things like how she manages to take care of all these dogs and her children...and if it's harder to train her dogs or her children. Dina-saur stock-quips, "No comment" for the latter. Har har...Basically, the entire interview allows Dina-saur to cram Ali and her forthcoming album down America's throat. What Ali's nonexistent album has to do with her predilection for and/or ownership of canines, I couldn't tell you.
It's also a chance for Dina-saur to reminisce about her days in the biz. The days of fishnet and roses! In typical Lohan fashion, Ali tries to hijacks Dina-saur's moment by getting suddenly, violently allergic to the dogs. Now, in lieu of pounds and pounds of makeup, Ali slathers Benadryl on her face. While she does that, the dogs run amok all over LoHouse. Opening credits.