Cody talks to Michael on the videophone. With the simplicity of an 11-year-old, Cody explains that he misses his big bro because he's not a girl. Ali, in VO, adds that Cody needs a man's influence. All of this is code for "We hate our deadbeat, ex-addict father," of course. Soon enough, though, Michael comes home! In a Subaru station wagon! Because nothing says masculine influence like the vehicle of choice for our nation's best and brightest lesbian house-moms.
Michael also brings with him Nina, his girlfriend of 18 months. He explains that Nina is his most serious relationship ever, and she recounts some "hilarious" story of their meeting over mixed-up towels. Dina-saur interviews that she approves of Nina. (Side note: Is it just me, or is it a semi-creepy coincidence that their names are only one letter apart?)
In a somewhat foreboding comment, Michael notes that Nina doesn't understand his family. To remedy this problem, he's forcing her to spend as much time with them as possible. Having now spent several hours with these bitches -- aided by editors' guiding hands, no less -- I still don't understand them, so Godspeed to you, Nina! At any rate, the youngest LoHos clearly have great affection for their big bro. Ali reveals that she's already planning Michael's wedding to Nina, and Cody gives Michael a big bear hug when he arrives. Nina, to her credit, settles right in and cuddles with the dogs -- not for a photo shoot, it's worth noting.
Michael admits he spends most of the year at college, so he doesn't get to spend much time with his family, especially Cody. He and Cody then set up a soccer goal and play, and I seriously think that it's the only thing this kid can (or will) do. If he's not dribbling a soccer ball or talking about one of the LoHos, he's not in the scene. Period. That's all beside the point, of course, because Michael has to earn Dina-saur's love just like all the other kids, and he does to by explaining what a deadbeat his father is. Michael says that he has become Cody's father figure.
Speaking of crappy parents, Ali has decided she wants another dog...even though she has five...which give her allergies. She thinks she doesn't have one that is "her own." More on that later...
Elsewhere, Dina-saur, Michael, and Nina chat at the kitchen table. Michael and Dina-saur talk about how the littlest Lohans call Michael all the time for advice and homework help. I don't know why they would look the gift horse that is "Long Island's Mother of the Year" in the mouth, but that's just me. Dina-saur interviews that it must be hard for Nina to understand the Lohan family's struggles. Over a series of stills, Michael details all of the stuff his family has gone through -- Dina-saur's divorce, Lindsay's many scandals, and Ali's career. (No comment on that last one. Too easy.) Michael says he took a fatherly role early since his namesake was generally "in and out" of the picture. Unlike Dina-saur, who was totally hands-on -- like that time she rushed away from a party at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone to put out a household fire.