Living Lohan

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
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You Don't Mess with the Lohan

Previously on Living Lohan: Dina-saur almost let her house burn down, with her children in it, while she was out partying at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. Long Island's "Mother of the Year," ladies and gentlemen...

Okay, so I just had a beer (which turned out to be much needed when I caught a glimpse of Denise Richards with no makeup, yikes!), so I think I should be good for the next 30 minutes or so... but I make no promises. Let's get this meth scratch party started!

We open on a block party in the LoHood. Ali and one of her friends are cavorting around, covered in whipped cream (or something). I wasn't aware that was par for the course during a block party, but we'll suspend reality for the sake of this... ummm... reality show. Ali VOs that she started getting teased by some local hooligans, and it feels like she's a target. The knife cuts to the quick when someone tells her to "stop trying to be like Lindsay" and asks if she's going to rehab. Oh, snap. Taunting sound effects play as Ali stands on her porch, pouting. The music and visual vocabulary is not unlike the start of that terrifying scene in Meet Me in St. Louis where the children decide to run amok and basically set neighborhood a-flame. Credits.

The next day, all is normal and placid at LoHouse. Cody dribbles a soccer ball (alone, God bless him). Dina-saur pours milk -- because she's a wholesome, all-American mom. And then Ali storms into the house all teenage wastrel. Dina-saur checks on what's wrong. Ali gives the typical 14-year-old response -- "NOTHING!" Dina-saur responds in turn, all, "I know you are, but what am I?!" You've just received a master class in parenting. I hope you were taking notes.

Later, Alexis picks up the phone. Ali's school is calling to tell them girls were harassing our precious Aliana at school. Dina-saur decides to take Ali out of school for a day or two until the situation is resolved. Because there's no better way to help kids grow up to be strong and self-empowered than to remove them from any and all difficult situations, fight their battles for them and gossip behind their enemies' backs. As Dina and Alexis discuss the situation, Alexis almost trips over something on the floor -- oh wait, that's just Tina Fey's name, which Dina-saur dropped after calling the situation Mean Girls 2.

Dina-saur gives the rundown of all the taunting, prank phone calls, and such that that LoHouse has endured on account of (implicitly) Lindsay's notoriety.

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Living Lohan

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