So, I could try to recap the trail of tears that has given this show its reason for being, but I thought long and hard. And I realized that A) Anyone who cares to consult the much-touted blogs appearing on the show will get a much better update than I can single-handedly provide, B) We live in an age where people like Tila Tequila and Kim Kardashian have shows, so Dina and Ali are, frankly, on the top of the heap, and C) If you're watching already, you likely don't need my help getting up to speed. So, with that, all I can say is, "Let go and let God." Without further ado... Living Lohan.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood -- the neighborhood of North Merrick, New York. Lite rock plays as we pan in on a typical suburban house, outfitted with all the typical suburban stuff -- soccer cleats, kids roughhousing, an ambling dog... oh yeah, and there's a subtly elegant placard that says, "If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you trouble." These are typical suburbanites, people. Got it? And yet, we see pics of...Lindsay Lohan?!
Meet Dina Lohan, Long Island Mingling Moms' "Mother of the Year". Dina-saur explains that she's a single mother with sole custody of her children. She lays the foundation that what Dina says goes. She barrels through a series of talking head expositional interviews, summing up, "There's nothing more important than family to me... Next question!"
The credits play out like tabloid covers, with a choice clip of each character that turns into a still and encapsulates their story arc with a snappy headline. First, we see Dina-saur on speakerphone acting like all kinds of Momager. The headline? "Dina Lohan Fights Back." Next up, "Grandma Lohan Fears for Family." Then Dina's son -- a little rascal on par with Alfalfa -- "Cody Lohan Lashes Out." And finally, Aliana "Ali," younger sister to everyone's favorite fire crotch. Her headline reads, "Ali Lohan: Typical Teenage Girl?" Now I've been brainwashed and have no need to suss out the complexities of plot for myself. Dear sweet Lord, this is going to be a long 23 minutes. In truth, I was half-heartedly hoping the credits would hearken back to the Anna Nicole show days, back before E! began airing erudite fare like The Girls Next Door...
It's daytime at the LoHouse on Long Island. Dina-saur and her assistant, Alexis, chat about jury duty. To serve or not to serve? The suspense is practically killing me! Dina-saur then laments that she has to read about her crack whore daughter's goings-on every morning. Cody asks her why she reads the tabloids, and she has no good explanation. She later interviews that she has to stay on top of the gossipmongers, and occasionally sic her lawyers on them, or else they will destroy Lindsay's career. Yeah, best to leave that to Lindsay herself. It'll be much quicker. Dina-saur then compares herself to a lion protecting her cubs. Dina-saur says she's over the tabs, despite her earlier admission that she pores over them every day.