Today was mid-summer cleaning time at the Lady LoHouse, so it's only fitting that my day should end just as it began -- with trash. And now for your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen...Living Lohan.
We open in everyone's favorite family suburb. But we won't be here much longer because the LoHos are Vegas-bound, baby! As they finish packing, Dina-saur interviews that they're heading to Las Vegas to record Ali's album. Before they can even get out the door, tragedy strikes! We hear a crash, followed by the yapping of the LoHos' 137 dogs. Upstairs, Ali winces on the bathroom floor after falling down and hurting her ankle. And the hits just keep coming -- something I'm confident will NOT be said about Ali's forthcoming album -- as a heavy garment rack topples over on Dina-saur.
Dina-saur stresses about being late as Cody and Ali unsuccessfully vie for her attention. Insert file footage of a plane taking off, then several stock Vegas shots. Mark that the end of this episode's first completely fabricated and easily resolved "crisis." Is there a reality TV show crisis quota? Ali, Cody, and Dina-saur drive down The Strip in a limo. Cody leads the way as they head into The Palms. First stop: The Playboy Club. And all of a sudden I bet coming to Vegas doesn't seem like such a bad idea to him. A Palms honcho leads them into their penthouse suite, and Cody marvels that there is a TV in every room. Yeah, take note, little man. This will be your entertainment for the next two weeks while Dina-saur pile drives Ali's career forward. Dina-saur suggests they go to sleep, and Cody belly flops onto the bed. In about 15 minutes, Dina-saur will be dancing on a table at ghostbar.
The next day is met with gratuitous shots of half-naked people at The Palms' pool. Alexis joins the LoHos as they head to a party that The Maloofs are throwing to celebrate Ali's forthcoming aural calamity... er... I mean hip-hop tour de force. Alexis sucks up to Dina-saur, saying she looks hot. Dina-saur feigns humility. And, seriously, if we're meant to believe Dina-saur 's claim that, "Hot is not in [her] vocabulary," then I'll be a monkey's uncle because that woman used to be a Rockette. She knows a thing or two about working the goods.
Up in one The Palms' Sky Villas, the LoHos and Alexis enter the room to a standing ovation. Ali smiles -- because, unlike her mother, she knows that it's good form to acknowledge when your toadies are buttering you up. They greet the three Maloofs as Dina-saur enthuses that she and Ali are really excited to work with them.