Living Lohan
Moving to Las Vegas!

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Record Breaking

Next, they cozy up to songwriter/record producer Emanuel "Eman" (rhymes with "Heman") Kiriakou, who will produce one of Ali's tracks. Dina-saur VOs that Eman worked with Celine Dion. Who just happens to be the first person that pops into my head when I think of young, fresh hip-hop artists. Second, of course, would be Clay Aiken -- another of Eman's collaborators. Dina-saur says that working with Eman will take Ali to the next level. And if you look how at the magic he worked for J.C. Chasez, Taylor Hicks, and Katharine McPhee... solid gold!

A Maloof breaks up the festivities to natter on about how Ali is just a bundle of awesome and how she's going to end world hunger -- or some similar sycophantic nonsense -- but I'm hypnotized by a guy over his left shoulder who looks like he might have won third place in the "White Lil' Jon Impersonator" contest. If winners like that guy are involved with this album, it's going to go straight to the top of the charts! But only if Dina-saur reprises her role as a dramatic reader.

They bring out a cake shaped like a record, and Ali flashes her hoo-ha to the whole crowd as she bends over to blow out the candles -- in a minidress. Moments later, a Maloof asks what kind of music Ali wants to make. She continues to chase the ill-conceived dream of being a hip-hop maven. Another Maloof then asks if she plans on writing since that's where the money is. I shudder to imagine the nonsense circling the drain of Ali Lohan's brain. Then add music? That puts the "sin" in "Sin City."

While the others fawn, Ali and her 47 pounds of makeup give a required-by-contract interview about how Dina-saur's not really a pushy stage mom, she's just trying to help her totally normal and all-American, but amazingly talented, kids follow their dreams. A clever editor calls "bullshit" by breaking the fourth wall and showing the camera crew as Ali delivers this information, thereby making us totally aware that this is meaningless boilerplate.

Slow fade to the lights of Vegas, Ali tells Alexis that it's overwhelming to be the center of so many people's attention, but that she's getting used to it. She confesses in an interview that she's feeling the pressure and hopes she doesn't mess up. Fateful words, my pancake-faced friend... Later back in the room, Dina-saur gives Ali a necklace -- a heart with angel wings. Then she gives her Ali the full-on Rose Hovick speech, telling her that things are going to get crazy, but if they do (say it with me now!), "Mommy will fix it."

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Living Lohan

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