A voice-over tells us that twenty-four days ago, sixteen strangers were split into two tribes and marooned on the "mystical" Marquesas Islands. Now only eight remain as members of one merged tribe, each with a chance to win the $1,000,000 prize. Here's what you need to know about them: Neleh is a sweet, though moon-faced, half-wit; Kathy is loud and braless; Sean is the "angry black man"; Vecepia prays a lot; Paschal is a skinny judge opposed to lewd teenage dancing; gape-jawed Robert wants to be called "The General" but is more likely herein to be called "Magilla Gorilla"; Zoe is tough; Tammy is tougher. The cast-out eight included Peter Pandit, who liked to talk about his asshole; thrown-from-the-tribe Patricia; Hunter, who quickly became the Hunted; the golden-locked commie Moppet; big-breasted, small-minded Sarah; Gina, Watermelon Queen and She-ra to Hunter's He-Man; possible mobsta Rob; and mastermind and overall big behind John. Just Peachy is the host and narrator; he's awfully pretty. And Mark Burnett pulls the strings, which you can see if you look really, really close.
And that's all you need to know, with only fifty-nine minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go!
Water washes over the camera lens. Pictures of the eight remaining members flash on the screen, and Neleh's is submerged with bubbles around it. OOOH, BUBBLES. Peachy blathers on about the "highlights and never-before-seen-footage" we'll see tonight, and claims this "special edition" will give us a "closer look." And if by "closer look" he means "another look," then that's entirely true. These "specials" always have a few new clips, and they're always shown to us right at the beginning of the episode, as well as throughout the show. So ahead, learn that Robert brought a voodoo doll and plans to "start jabbin' the hell out of it," and Sean sings opera while Tammy voice-overs about his "sense of humor." Also, Kathy and Rob wanted a word they could shout when naming the new tribe, Soliantu; and Sean, Paschal, Vecepia, and Neleh whispered about voting out John.
And that's all the new stuff you'll get in this episode, with only fifty-seven minutes of post-credits extraneous filler and repetition to go! Can you tell where this is headed? Let the recrapping begin!
Tinkly music plays that we've not heard before as we see footage of the initial drop-off from Day 1. They've been split into two tribes; they paddle; "the journey was nothing like they expected." It's exactly, however, what the viewing audience expected, since we've already seen this exact footage. In what may or may not be a fresh clip, Rob tells us that it was exciting at first and "all fun," but after fifteen minutes of paddling he realized, "There's nobody here to help you." Except for the seven other people he's stranded with. Sean attempts to paddle with his tongue. I didn't notice that the first time around, before I was aware of the many talents of Sean's tongue. The tribe debates where to land, and Peter Pandit sees a beach and gets excited. Gina snaps that the map says it's a "rocky beach," and so they shouldn't yet head to shore. Sarah tells us that the map made it look like a fifteen-minute paddle, but when they first saw land, they realized how much longer it would take. Especially since Sarah is not planning on doing any paddling herself. Peachy now voice-overs that the tribe's arrival was "nothing short of majestic," and the Cleopatra footage of Sarah with her "boooooobs hanging out" plays. Sean snarks. Sean enunciates the word "boooooobs." Sean is very, very sweaty. High fives all around because they've arrived. Blah. Oh, and blah.