Thad goes first. For some reason, he picks Sissie, whose dowry now stands at $7,000. The two of them walk together to the Point, where -- with Brent watching -- Thad says he didn't talk to her all that much, but he "noticed [her] eye" or some such and apparently eavesdropped on her conversations with other people and so this afternoon when they had "free time," he made a basket from branches and he gives it to her and hopes there can be something between them. Sissie takes it and says "thanks" and calls it "beautiful" and it actually took me a long time to process this because I kept thinking, "Basket? He made a basket?" and finally I just yelled, "WHAT IS THIS BASKET NONSENSE?!" at the screen.
Jack's up. He picks Rebekah. Dowry: $9,000. They go up to the point, where Jack gets down on one knee and Rebekah starts giggling. Shot of the other women getting kind of squinty as Jack recites some kind of bad poetry thing: "When I first saw you, your eyes sparkled like the stars and reminded me of deep, dark pools of calm water and your hair reminded me of a raven soaring in the Alaskan sky" and I thought I'd purged all the tortellini earlier, but how wrong I was. Jack pleads with her to keep him there, and says that if she does, he would love to share a bottle of champagne with her (which he's holding). She thanks him. "Very nice," says Santagati.
Dorky Earmuffs's turn. "My plea is to Rebekah," he says. Pan of the remaining women, none of whom is even bothering to fake smile, since Rebekah's dowry is up to $11,000.
Okay. What follows is one of the saddest scenes ever witnessed on television, and not sad like "Colonel Blake dying on M*A*S*H" sad but...well, actually, I don't think there is any actual television precedent for this sort of patheticness. DE says he thought about writing a poem or doing something special but decided to make a plea from his heart. Jim looks like he's ready to bust up laughing. DE takes Rebekah's hands and begs her to choose him and talks about their supposed connection again. "Besides," he continues, suddenly adopting a pouty voice that always makes women hot, "you won't get any more massages if I leave," because he's so sure Rebekah wouldn't just ask, hmmm, I don't know, ANY OTHER GUY for a massage. At any rate, I would like to congratulate DE on being the first person on this show to lose every last shred of dignity. He's such toast. Even Karen's laughing at him.
Troy's turn. I wonder whom he'll pick. When he says, "Rebekah" (dowry: $13,000), Andrea looks stricken and Jim just hangs his head. Troy lists the reasons Rebekah should keep him, including the fact that he's thrown axes for her (well, one axe, anyway), and he's given her money (which I'm guessing he says to a lot of women he dates. Aw. I'm kidding. Despite Troy's mullet, he seems all right, if a little eager). He gives Rebekah flowers and a bottle of champagne, like two of these guys figure they ought to get Rebekah drunk, and the third guy doesn't count since he's clearly a virgin. Troy's plea actually takes forever as he blathers on and on about how beautiful she is inside and out. (Insert your own joke here about how he knows how beautiful she is inside. Heh. "Insert.")